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The sitting room of Arabella Figg was decorated with an army of doilies and a persistent shade of pink usually associated with nine-year-old girls. Every available surface was cluttered with cat figurines and photos of cats in delicate filigree frames. From behind a closed door Remus heard the sound of plaintive meowing, loud, unrelenting and unhappy. Even the teapot Arabella served tea with had a sour-faced Persian glaring balefully from its porcelain prison.
The front paws of the Abyssinian on the wall clock indicated the meeting was supposed to have come to order fifteen minutes ago. The small sitting room was uncomfortably crowded with Order members all sandwiched together on Arabella's couches and chairs. Remus himself had taken a seat on the floor so Professor McGonagall wouldn't have to stand. Remus was surprised by the lack of irritation regarding the delay, but he had the impression it was almost expected.
Peter was sat on the floor next to Remus, but instead of chatting Remus' ear off about what he ought to be doing to help his friends, Peter drummed his fingers nervously against his teacup. Dumbledore chatted politely with Arabella, asking interested questions about her cats, which, from what Remus picked up, he knew by name. Hestia Jones and Emmeline Vance whispered furtively to each other about something Remus couldn't make out. The Hogwarts' staff - McGonagall, Flitwick, and Sprout - discussed end of term exams, and the Aurors - Moody and the Longbottoms - discussed office politics and minor irritations with the Ministry. What no one seemed the slightest bit interested in was the whereabouts of the three missing members and why they were late. The attitude from the other members struck Remus as almost blasé.
Was it such a normal occurrence for James, Sirius, and Lily to turn up late at secret Order meetings no one even reacted to it? It wasn't as though Remus wanted to see them, or to be perfectly frank, be there at all. He had only come because during his recovery from the full, Dumbledore had paid a visit to him personally and requested Remus' presence at this meeting. Dumbledore wanted Remus to join in the discussion regarding the attack on the Sheffield orphanage. That was the last thing Remus wanted to do.
Though two weeks had passed since that night, there wasn't a single moment Remus had forgotten. The screams; the children trapped in burning buildings; Davey's small face, peaceful in death, as though merely asleep. All of it haunted him, every decision second guessed, even his decision to leave Sirius sleeping, to tell him to go in the first place.
Sirius had struggled with the choice to cheat on James and Lily. He had gone against his nature, his sense of loyalty, and had chosen Remus. Even if it was only for the night, even if it had to be a secret, it would have been the beginning. Remus had had Sirius in his grasp and just let him slip through his fingers like smoke. He swung between anger at himself for not seizing the opportunity and anger at Sirius for his callousness. All his dreams of late were consumed with that night; Sirius under him, writhing up with that look in his eye, kissing Remus like he was Sirius' whole world. Conflicted as Remus was, the last thing he needed was to see Sirius tonight, especially not with James and Lily.
Remus heard two cracks in the distance, somewhere outside Arabella's home. A moment later there was a third which was followed immediately by two voices arguing loudly. Inside Arabella's house the chatter stuttered and then stilled completely, the only sound that of Arabella's sequestered cats. Remus expected a dark glare from Peter for his refusal to get involved, but Peter seemed lost in his thoughts, still drumming his fingers against his teacup. He seemed a bit off tonight, not the jovial, yet concerned young man from a few months ago.
"Please, you two; keep it down. They're going to hear us inside." That was James, sounding haggard and exasperated.
"The entire neighborhood will hear them," growled Moody, breaking the silence inside. "This is exactly why that mission with Black's family was such a complete failure."
"Oh, let them. It's not as though they aren't already whispering about us behind our backs." Sirius' deep voice rang out, closer now.
Remus stared at the teacup in his hands, embarrassed for Sirius who didn't seem to have the sense to be embarrassed for himself. He didn't want to see the expressions around the room, whether they be disgusted, uncomfortable, or even, heaven forbid, amused.
"Of course you don't care, do you?" said Lily. Remus nearly groaned in disbelief. So this is what had been tearing his friends apart. Sirius and Lily: neither of which knew how to back down from a fight. "You never consider how we feel."
"There's that 'we' again, Lily," said Sirius. Remus easily picked out the false, saccharine-sweet mocking tone. Sirius would feel guilty later, Remus knew, when he thought over his words, but when Sirius used that tone he was practically channeling his mother. "We, we, we," he continued. "It's always 'James and I think this', or 'James and I think that'. Don't think I hadn't noticed the way you try to push me to the edges." A soft, dangerous chuckle. "Admit it, Lily. Tell James why you let him keep me around. Tell him how you love to play the whore for me; such a dirty girl. Does things with me she'd never let you get away with, James. Don't want him to know, do you love? I'm not the one you've got on a leash."
"Should we intervene?" whispered Alice, concerned. "We can't just let them go on like this, can we?"
"How dare you!" cried Lily, followed by a loud reverberating smack.
"What would you have me do, Alice?" asked Frank. Alice didn't answer him.
"Damn it, Sirius!" bellowed James. "You go too far!"
Sirius laughed. "Too far? Haven't you noticed she never lets the three of us together in the same bed anymore? Unless of course she's watching us fuck. Can't resist that, now can you, love?"
"I can't believe it's lasted this long," said Hestia. "They just get worse every time." Emmeline murmured a sound of agreement. Remus felt like a stone had been dropped in his stomach.
"You always do this. Why, Sirius? You always make this about sex. It was supposed to be about more than just sex." That was Lily again, apparently trying a different tack and appealing to his better nature. After all this time living in the same house together, had she learned nothing about Sirius? Once he had gone belligerent, he no longer possessed a better nature and the only thing to do was ignore him until it passed, no matter how provocative he could be. Sirius was no angel, and Remus had never deluded himself into thinking Sirius was. If you loved him, you had to do so in spite of his flaws. You had to know when he would rise above his imperfections, and when it was lost cause.
"As if you ever loved me," said Sirius bitterly. "Fighting and fucking is all we've had since this disaster started."
"How can I when you won't let me in? You say I push you to the edges, and yet here you are within hearing distance of everyone we know and calling me a whore. Did you ever stop and think maybe, just maybe it was because we, yes we, actually do love you?" They were right outside the door now. Lily's voice dropped, quiet and pleading. "I care for you, Sirius, very much. We used to be friends, but apparently it hasn't been enough for you to let me in, has it? I'm not the one pushing you to the edges; you're doing that well enough on your own. Can't you please try a little harder to help us all blend in, to at least seem normal to outside eyes and not like some freak show?"
Remus fidgeted, wondering if he should intervene. Sirius' emotional composition was Walburga's only legacy, the product of a twisted, manipulative love which swung wildly between obsequious, cloying motherly affection and remorseless, unrelenting abhorrence of his very existence. Humiliation and indulgence were her weapons of choice. It was her cool, calculating means of maintaining control over her sons, not the consequence of any mental instability. Remus had met her more times than he cared to remember and hated the woman for what she'd done to Sirius in the name of dynastic ambition.
There was a reason Sirius was so close to his friends in school. He craved love and affection, but if he had even the barest glimmer his trust was being used against him he set windmills spinning. Not once in seven years had James, Remus, or Peter crossed that invisible barrier with Sirius or given him reason to doubt his faith in them. It was unimaginable to Remus that in this environment of constant bickering Sirius would have managed to extend the same amount of trust to Lily. He was only going to see this as one more manipulation, one more attempt at controlling him. Remus bit his lip and prayed for a miracle.
"You're right," said Sirius, stone cold. "We were friends." Remus closed his eyes and braced. Sirius was furious. "Right up until you spread your legs for me and decided that meant you'd earned the right to dictate how I lived my life. You might be able to boss James around, princess, but unlike him, I've had pussy before yours and believe me, the sun does not rise and set by it."
Lily gasped and then there was a thud and the sound of a scuffle. Remus couldn't stand it anymore. He set his tea aside and rose.
"Don't bother, Remus," said Emmeline. "I'll admit this one is particularly bad, but they always do this. Then they go home and make up and it starts all over again."
Remus shot her a lethal glare as he crossed to the door. As he turned the knob, he heard a quiet sob from Lily. "Stop it! Just stop it! Both of you!" Remus opened the door to see Lily holding herself and Sirius and James trading blows. "I can't do this anymore," she whispered.
Remus closed the door behind him with a slam. It was enough to get the attention of Lily, but not enough to stop Sirius and James from fighting.
"Remus," said Lily quietly as she made a swift attempt at rubbing the tears out of her eyes.
"Go inside, Lily," murmured Remus as he rushed by her. "I'll take care of this."
He forcibly thrust himself between James and Sirius, shoving them apart. Sirius was mid-swing and caught Remus across the jaw. Remus took a step back to stabilize himself and then gave both of them another hard shove.
"What the hell is the matter with you two?" he demanded, rubbing at his jaw.
James' left eye was puffy and would be purple in the morning; Sirius had a split lip and a swelling jaw. James and Sirius glared at each other but said not one word in reply.
"Excellent, I'm glad to see we're all able to be mature adults and remember we've been friends for years," continued Remus darkly. There was no reaction from either of them. "Fine," he snapped, seeing an opportunity to separate them. "James, go inside."
James didn't move a muscle. Sirius curled his lip in a challenging sneer, fairly daring James to go through Remus to get to him.
"Now!" ordered Remus. He lifted his wand from his robes' pocket and pointed it straight at James. "I will use this."
When James didn't move a muscle, Remus didn't need to see the jeer in Sirius' smile to know it was there. He flicked his wand behind him, sending a Stinging Hex at Sirius. "And you," he said, turning his head to glare at Sirius, "will cut that out."
Sirius stifled a sharp cry of pain and glowered at Remus. Remus turned back to James and could see from his stance he had relaxed by a fraction. "Go inside, James," Remus repeated. James shifted his weight and returned a steady, intractable gaze. Remus raised his wand to James once more.
"Yeah, alright," James muttered. He cast a last look at Sirius, more hurt than angry, and turned to shuffle up to the door.
"I want out," Sirius said quietly, waiting to speak until James had his hand on the doorknob. "This isn't working."
James didn't turn around to look at Sirius. "Fine," he said tersely, and then opened the door.
Remus didn't relax until he heard the door close. He turned to face Sirius and folded his arms across his chest; he wasn't going to make a fool of himself when everything was still so raw. "So," he said. "Which part of secret meeting did you not understand whilst insulting Lily at the top of your lungs?"
"She started it," said Sirius vehemently.
"There's that maturity I've been so hoping for," said Remus sarcastically. "I'm no fan of this disaster you call a relationship, but I love Lily. I know you can be a mean son-of-a-bitch when you want to be, but for fuck's sake, Sirius. That was Lily."
"Doesn't matter. It's over now. I can get them out of my house and have some peace finally," snarled Sirius. "Besides, I thought this is what you wanted."
"Yes, thank you, Sirius. I have always wanted to sit in a room full of people I know and listen to pure, vile filth pour out of your mouth directed at one of my dearest friends. It's Christmas come early for me."
"You don't understand; she goads me. She wants me to lose it."
Remus closed his eyes. There was no reasoning with Sirius when he was still angry. Instead of replying, he took a step back and leaned against the house. He looked away from Sirius to the street behind him and the tall lamps which were all snuffed out. Sirius couldn't go in there while he was still this pissed off, so Remus would just have to wait him out.
"I love that gadget Dumbledore has," said Remus mildly. "What does he call it? A Deluminator?"
"What?"
"You know, it looks a bit like a Muggle lighter. I've never seen it close up, but I have seen him use it once or twice." Remus could admit to a small bit of pride at having caught Sirius off guard, even if he knew it wouldn't last very long.
"Is there a fucking point to this?" asked Sirius belligerently.
"Well, it's quite a clever invention, don't you think?" said Remus. "I've never seen another like it."
"Oh, I get it," said Sirius. "This is 'if I can't make Sirius see reason, I'll just talk about some daft nonsense until he does it on his own'."
"Is it working?" Remus suppressed a sly grin.
Sirius opened his mouth and then promptly shut it. He crossed his arms and glared at Remus.
"Fine, fine," said Remus. "But you can't go in there if you're still feeling surly."
"I'm not surly."
"Alright, you can't you go in there if you're still behaving like a baboon."
"It'll take them at least ten minutes to crowd into Arabella's dining room anyway," said Sirius dismissively, as if this wasn't entirely about his behavior, but about waiting for the Order to get seated. He pulled a pack of fags out of his robes and offered it to Remus.
"At this point I'm even willing to consider a heroin habit," muttered Remus as he lifted one out.
"Oh, dear," mocked Sirius, ignoring Remus' material point. "Mother Moony having a fag!"
"Tosser," muttered Remus, lighting the tip and taking a pull. Sirius joined him in leaning against the wall of Arabella's house.
"Did you ever get that ridiculous bike off the ground?" asked Remus conversationally, purposefully giving Sirius a topic to talk about. Not only would it distract Sirius from his anger, but it would also - hopefully - keep him from straying to subjects Remus just wasn't prepared to get into at that moment. Dead men had a more appropriate sense of timing than Sirius Black.
"It's not ridiculous," said Sirius, affronted. "And yes, the bike flies."
"I suppose you'll have given it the name of some tawdry female, something in the sugar family of foodstuffs," said Remus, taking a surreptitious side glance at Sirius. There was finally a ghost of a smile teasing the corners of Sirius' mouth.
"No-o," said Sirius, the very epitome of long-suffering. "I named her Emily."
"Emily, I see," said Remus. "Anyone significant or do you just like the name?"
Sirius shrugged and took a drag. "She looks like an Emily," he said, but he lacked the usual excitement he had regarding all things motorbike and motorbike related.
Sirius was such an open book to Remus, like a favorite dog-eared novel he had read so many times he could practically recite the whole thing from memory. As Sirius began to gingerly worry his split lower lip Remus knew those hateful words were playing on a loop. Sirius was many things; gentle, nurturing, loyal, loving, volatile, impetuous, irresponsible, ill-tempered, mean. One thing he was not, was unpredictable, at least not to Remus. He had spent a lot of time observing the nuances of Sirius Black. Things which would go unnoticed to the neophyte observer: a shift in his stance, the cadence of his voice, a simple look, were all readable clues to Remus. Right now for instance the slight slump to his shoulders, the way his eyes seemed to be fixed on a point not readily identifiable, all were indications of guilt settling in, of remorse and shame.
"Catching up with you, isn't it?" asked Remus gently.
"I really hate you sometimes."
"That is the price one pays for having friends that know them inside and out," said Remus. "I wish Lily knew you as well. I knew it was going to be bad and there was nothing I could do about it." He took a drag. "Well," he added on the exhale, "I suppose I could have, but you're all adults."
"I - I'm not sorry it's over," said Sirius, a touch of defiance in his tone. "But I don't want to-- oh, god. Will they ever speak to me again?"
"You'll have to apologize, of course," said Remus after another drag so he could consider the question. "Probably grovel, maybe take a hexing. James will cave first, probably a week after you send the owl - don't look at me like that, I know what a coward you are when it comes to apologies; Lily… that's hard to say. A bit longer I would imagine. Once you are on speaking terms again you will have to work through this mess. It's the only way we'll all be friends again."
Sirius turned his head away from Remus for a moment and then stepped away from the wall to stand in front of him. There was an intensity in his eyes Remus was familiar with, though he had never seen it burn so brightly in Sirius. Unfortunately, now was simply not the time. Remus put his hand up and covered Sirius' mouth with his fingers.
"Later, Sirius," he said. "Not tonight. Please."
"I love you," blurted Sirius, the moment Remus let his hand drop.
"You are a fantastic listener," remarked Remus dryly.
"Sorry," muttered Sirius, and then shoved his hands in his robes pockets.
Remus dropped the fag and put it out under his heel and then pushed off the wall. He put a hand on Sirius' arm and leaned in. "I love you, too," he said softly, and then turned Sirius and pushed him toward the door. "Even so, I'm not going in there first. That honor is all yours."
Sirius swung his head around to scowl at Remus, who smiled sweetly in return. Facing the angry stares first was only fair and no less than Sirius had earned. The sullen stomp up to the door was hardly a surprise to Remus, and was, he knew, a cover for Sirius' anxiety and fear. Now that he was persuaded to behave himself, self-consciousness dripped off Sirius like sweat off a fat man in a sauna. Remus could practically taste it in the air in Sirius' wake.
When Sirius reached the door, he paused in front of it, hand hovering over the knob but not yet touching it. Remus put his own hand on Sirius' shoulder and gave the tight, knotted muscle a squeeze.
"It's alright, Padfoot," he said softly. "I'll be in there with you."
The knob squeaked as it started to turn. "I'm going to get a room at the Leaky Cauldron for a few days," said Sirius quietly. "Give them time to pack up, figure out what they're going to do."
"That sounds like a good plan, Padfoot," said Remus, relieved Sirius had come to this conclusion on his own. It would only get complicated with Sirius around watching their every move.
"Will you stay with me?" whispered Sirius brokenly.
Remus heard the words Sirius wouldn't say aloud. I'm afraid to be alone, Moony. I'm afraid I've lost James. He's my only family now, and I'm terrified he hates me. Remus carefully slid his arms around Sirius' waist, holding him tight, holding him together, as he lay his cheek on Sirius' shoulder. Merlin, it felt good to hold Sirius in his arms.
"Of course," said Remus, and then kissed Sirius' cheek, vowing silently he would help Sirius set everything right. "It's going to be alright, Sirius."
In his arms, Remus felt a fraction of Sirius' tension ease away. It wasn't much, but it was enough. Remus released Sirius from the embrace as Sirius opened the door, Remus following him through into an empty sitting room.
"This way," murmured Sirius. He turned his head and grabbed Remus' hand and twined their fingers together. It was less romantic gesture and more to ground him so he didn't panic, Remus knew, but that didn't stop a little electric thrill from shooting up his arm. "Merlin," continued Sirius, as he led Remus down a narrow hall. "You ever smell anything like this place before in your life? Mothballs and cat piss."
Remus had been too distracted with cat paraphernalia and worrying over where Sirius was to notice before, but now that it had been mentioned, he wrinkled his nose in distaste at the subtle smell. As they passed by a closed door on the right, the cats just beyond it yowled pitifully to be let out. Remus thought he could count at least a dozen distinct voices and wondered how many cats old Arabella had.
From under a door coming up on the left, a light shone from the crack, painting the dark hallway with a thin strip of light. Sirius had paused in front of the door and seemed to be gathering courage again. There was no sound from the room, but then it was probably Charmed silent. Remus gave Sirius' hand a little squeeze to encourage him. Sirius spun suddenly and grabbed Remus' face between his two large hands and kissed him forcefully. Remus had to take a step back to keep from falling and braced himself with his back against the wall. If he didn't realize this was nerves, he might have pushed Sirius away. The kiss was desperate, but not in the way of intense longing being satisfied. Sirius kissed like a man before the guillotine, like his last moments lay just the other side of the door.
"Shhh," said Remus, as they broke apart. "It isn't as bad as all that, you'll see."
Sirius held onto Remus for a moment longer, and then, just as suddenly, turned away and opened the door, sweeping into the room with his chin held at an arrogant tilt. Remus took a moment to collect himself, as the voices from the room swelled out into the hallway, and then sputtered into shocked silence. As he crossed the threshold, Remus cleared his throat and looked around, noticing for the first time there were some additional faces around the table. Clearly Sirius, James and Lily had not been the only latecomers. Arabella, he knew, was a squib. Was she connected to the Floo network regardless? As his eyes swept around the table he noticed Peter shifting down in his chair and was reminded of how out of sorts his friend had seemed prior to the arrival of Sirius, James, and Lily. He had quite forgotten in the drama of earlier, but as it returned to him now it struck him as odd. The candles in the dining room reflected off the sweat gathering along Peter's brow. Remus frowned and worried his friend was feeling ill.
"Glad you decided to finally join us, Black," growled Moody. Remus followed Sirius in, closing the door behind him, and looked around for a seat. "Lupin, did you sort him?"
Remus paused to formulate an answer, but was interrupted by a small, soft hand wrapping around his wrist. There were three chairs open, two across the table beside Peter, and one across from him. The hand belonged to Lily who had risen out of her chair.
"Remus, sit by me," she entreated. It was no doubt a jab at Sirius who was already taking his seat beside Peter. Lily was in no danger of Sirius even thinking of sitting beside her, but she was using Remus to send a message to Sirius, to say she didn't want him sitting beside her. Remus was struck by how juvenile this all was.
"Everything is fine," said Remus to Moody. He was still weighing his options. Sirius caught his eye and glanced at the chair beside Lily, removing the need for seating arrangements to signify loyalties. Remus smiled gratefully at Sirius and took his seat beside Lily. As the meeting was called to order, Remus turned his attention interestedly toward Moody and Dumbledore.
"Oh, quit pussyfooting around, Albus," grumped Moody. "Get to the bloody point while we're still young."
Dumbledore gave Moody an amused smile. "I fear it is far too late for some of us on that account," said Dumbledore lightly. He turned those piercing blue eyes on Remus and seemed to lose a shade of his humor. "Remus, would you be so kind as to give us an account of the night you stumbled upon the orphanage in Sheffield?"
Remus carefully recounted his story of that night and answered questions posed to him by Dumbledore and Moody. The whole night came flooding back to him, every horrific detail. He explained where he had gotten the idea for visiting the orphanages and questioning the children about where they had been bitten. He went on to say he had planned to come to Dumbledore with the information to request his aid in bringing the wards down. As he spoke, he recalled his father's grim expression, realizing once again what a violation he had in store for the orphanage. Somehow it seemed like a good plan when he and Peter were discussing it. When questioned on why he would even want to do such a thing, he defended his reasoning and discussed his earlier failures frankly and honestly, though it all came up pale to his ears under scrutiny.
"Did you speak with anyone other than your father about the orphanages?" asked Dumbledore. There was a keen edge to his words Remus couldn't recall ever hearing before. "Anyone that might have used the information?"
Remus had such minimal contact outside of his accidental run ins with Lily, Sirius and Peter that Remus answered instantly in the negative. The only one of them he had mentioned the orphanages to was Peter, but who would Peter have told? Still, his eyes brushed over Peter, the blond was staring down at the table and his skin had taken on a clammy, bloodless sheen.
"There must be someone," said Moody gruffly. "The Aurors have extensively interrogated the staff of the orphanage. We know with absolute surety there were no leaks from inside the orphanage. Its existence was unknown to the Ministry prior to the attack. You must have told someone!"
"Unless Lupin was the one to tell them," came a voice from the end of the table. Remus blinked. Had he just been accused of giving information to Voldemort? He didn't know MacKinnon very well, but she didn't know him either. Remus opened his mouth to defend himself against MacKinnon's assertion but was beaten to it by two loud and angry voices.
"That is utter bollocks!" roared Sirius, quite forgetting himself once again as he half rose out of his seat.
"You don't know what you're talking about," said James coolly in the same instant.
Remus felt his heart swell with affection for the two of them, defending him without giving the possibility he had betrayed fellow werewolves even the most cursory of considerations. It was so very like them and he had missed it, the blind faith his friends so willingly gave, that he had so willingly given away. Peter however, seemed to shrink away from Sirius, appearing smaller next Sirius' towering, bristling form. James and Sirius shared twin glances of surprise at each other and then hastily turned their attention back to MacKinnon who seemed surprised by their vehemence.
"He's the only one who doesn't come to meetings regularly-" began MacKinnon in a calm, reasonable tone, but before she could go on, a third voice joined Remus' defense.
"You don't know Remus the way we do, Marly," said Lily. "This… just isn't something he would do." The same small, soft hand which pulled him to his seat, now slipped quietly into one of Remus' and gave him a squeeze. Juxtaposed with his behavior over the last eight months, Lily's quiet act of solidarity, her hand in his, nearly broke Remus. He felt himself the lesser man, unequal to the quiet strength she freely offered.
"I'm going to have to agree with James, Sirius, and Lily on this one," said Frank thoughtfully. "I know what you're all thinking but it just isn't logical. As you said, Remus hasn't been here for the other meetings, so he wouldn't have known about the raid last month. There is no way he could have gotten that information to pass to the Death Eaters. I just don't see it."
Wait. So some thought he was responsible for what now? A raid? Remus was utterly confused. Were things truly falling apart so fast? Sirius had said they were desperate, but were they genuinely so ready to name someone spy they would hang an innocent man as quick as a guilty one?
"One of his friends could have told him," said MacKinnon, not quite willing to concede the point.
"Remus," said Dumbledore, his voice cutting through the argument and accusations. "Are you quite sure you didn't mention something to someone, even in passing?"
Where are these orphanages located? Have you visited them yet? There was one person Remus had told. He looked straight at Peter, who was bent towards the table, meeting no one's eyes. Remus contemplated him for a moment, unwilling to draw the conclusion his mind was trying to supply. Surely this was just a brief wave of paranoia brought on by being at the center of so much negative attention. Peter, probably feeling the heat of Remus' gaze, lifted his countenance to Remus. Worry was painted all over Peter's face.
"I'm certain, Headmaster," said Remus. He refused to out Peter with so little to go on. The concern on Peter's face could be any number of things, including not having jumped to Remus' defense with the others. If Remus was going to accuse Peter of something as heinous as giving away the location of the orphanages to Death Eaters, Remus needed proof first.
An argument broke out between several of the members, Sirius shouting down Remus' detractors and James not far behind him. Apparently his absence made him suspect in the eyes of more than just MacKinnon. Throughout, Remus held his peace and let his friends argue for him, only answering direct questions posed to him by name. It was almost as though he wasn't in the room. It was with sad reflection he realized wizarding prejudices ran so deep, even in a group like this where he should have felt more comfortable. How perfectly awful, and how marvelous his friends. Why had he ever turned his back? What a fool he was.
"I think," said Dumbledore, once again cutting through the din, "I think Mr. Lupin deserves the benefit of the doubt. Forgive the Muggle expression, but a witch-hunt is not why I called this meeting." Dumbledore dropped his chin to look over his spectacles at Remus "I do apologize for the ordeal you've been through this evening, Remus, it was not my intention." Remus nodded slightly and let his gaze drift down to the table and linger on the grain of the wood as Dumbledore addressed the room once more. "The evidence against Mr. Lupin is not overwhelming by any stretch and the explanation could still, in fact, be nothing more than bad luck. It is more important to hold together than to try and find a scapegoat for our worst fears. It is natural to do so, but as Remus has been very busy on my orders, his absence is more than understandable." Silence descended upon the table and then after a moment, a few muttered apologies were directed at Remus.
It was obvious there was a strong suspicion one of their number had turned spy. If the Ministry hadn't known about the orphanages and the staff all kept the secret, how then, had Death Eaters learned of the location? Remus kept turning glances on Peter, pondering his situation over the last eight months. What if he had been approached by Death Eaters and found James and Sirius weren't around anymore to protect him?
Remus could only imagine how lost Peter had been feeling as his idols James and Sirius had fallen apart. If they were as consumed with their personal drama on a regular basis as Remus had seen earlier tonight, would that have led to Peter feeling insecure and unsafe? Was this more than mere coincidence? Peter had been unusually interested in his work that day, and there was something else, something slightly less tangible. Peter had begged Remus to set things right between Sirius, James, and Lily. He had been almost desperate. Remus hadn't thought about it at the time, as he was too upset by the suggestion on its own merits, but as he reflected back, it did seem slightly odd. Why would Peter beg unless he was somehow affected? He had never been one to interfere in the personal lives of others.
It seemed a little farfetched to Remus, but he just couldn't shake the idea. As the Order meeting was dismissed and the members began to file out, Remus made his choice. Rising from his chair, he made his way over to Peter.
"Let me have a word with James and Lily," said Sirius softly, intersecting Remus' path to Peter. Order members eddied around he and Sirius as they left, like rushing water around large rocks in a stream.
"Sirius," said Remus quietly, laying a hand on Sirius' arm to pause him. "Do you trust me?"
"Aw, don't listen to them, Moony," said Sirius. "They're all just scared. We set them right."
"No," said Remus, shaking his head. "That's not what I mean. If I asked you to do something without a lot of questions, would you trust me?"
"Absolutely," said Sirius with no hesitation whatsoever. "What is it you want me to do?"
"Can you get your hands on Veritaserum?" said Remus, knowing the answer before he asked the question. "Tonight and quickly."
Sirius searched his face for a long moment. "Yes."
"Hurry, then," said Remus. He glanced at James and Lily. Remus selfishly wanted to keep the three of them from talking, but there was wisdom in it, too. The set of Lily's jaw did not express a desire for civil conversation. "I'll tell James and Lily you're staying at the Leaky Cauldron for a few nights and I'll meet you there."
Sirius gave him another searching look and then swept out of the room.
Remus made his way over to Peter and slipped into the chair beside him. The room was empty now except for himself, Peter, James, and Lily. James and Lily were watching Sirius leave with shocked expressions on their faces.
"Peter," said Remus quietly, slipping his wand out of his pocket.
"Remus," said Peter, startled out of his thoughts. He edged slightly away from Remus, which only served to make Remus that much more suspicious.
"Sirius said he was going to stay at the Leaky Cauldron for a few nights," said Remus, lifting his head to address James and Lily. "He thought a little space would be wise as the two of you decided what to do."
"He was actually serious, then," said James carefully. He didn't look or sound happy, more pensive and conflicted. "It's really over." He let out a long breath that seemed to pain him to perform. Lily remained motionless in stony silence.
"Don't you think it's for the best?" said Remus. "You were making each other miserable. If you'd kept on this way-- You were the closest of friends and he's worried it's already too late, that he has already done too much damage. You know how he is, James. When he's angry, his brain isn't connected to his mouth. It's connected to Walburga."
"That is no excuse for the things he said to me," snapped Lily suddenly, eyes flashing dangerously at Remus for daring to defend Sirius, however flimsily. She turned to James. "I'm sorry, James, but I just can't stay in that house with him anymore. I can't do this. I'm going to my parents' tonight so I can think things over. I'm sorry." She rose from her chair and moved quickly for the door.
"Lily, wait!" said James, rising to go after her, but paused to look back at Peter and Remus. "I've got to see about Lily," he said hurriedly. "I'm sorry; I can't lose her as well."
"You haven't lost anything, Prongs," said Remus softly. "Go on after her."
A melancholy air filled the room with James' departure as Remus considered the night ahead and what he intended to do. He regretted his intentions, felt a terrible burden of guilt for his suspicions, and a little queasy about his plans. Under the table he pointed his wand at Peter, and whispered, "Confundus!" Peter made a soft gurgling sound vaguely reminiscent of 'Remus' and then struggled to rise out of his chair, but Remus placed a hand on his shoulder and gently pushed him back down.
"Well, Peter," said Remus. "I guess it's just you and me, then."
Remus was relieved to find Sirius waiting in the tavern, sipping an ale when he entered with a dazed looking Peter. Sirius slowly set the tankard down, clearly shocked by the state of their blond friend. Remus motioned Sirius over, wanting to get Peter into a room before anyone noticed he was bewitched. Sirius hurried over to Remus and then gave Peter a puzzled look.
"Remus?" asked Sirius, his voice cautious and quiet. "Why does Peter look Confunded?"
"Because he is," replied Remus, just as quietly. "Now help me get him into the room and I will explain everything."
Sirius gave Remus another one of those long, searching stares, like he couldn't quite figure Remus out. The moment was broken as Peter slumped forward a little in Remus' grasp. "Oi, Peter," said Sirius loudly, wrapping an arm around Peter's waist. "You've really got to lay off the booze, mate."
"That's your clever cover?" hissed Remus, annoyed with Sirius for making a scene.
"You got a better plan?" returned Sirius as he hoisted Peter up the stairs. "Merlin, Remus, you jinxed the fuck out of little Peter."
"Well, I couldn't have him calling for help, could I?" said Remus, following Sirius up the stairs.
Sirius threw a worried look over his shoulder. "I hope you have a good explanation for this."
"I rather wish I didn't," replied Remus. He wanted desperately to be proved wrong.
"Could you be more cryptic?" said Sirius sarcastically as he and Peter gained the landing and shuffled awkwardly down the hall. "That wasn't quite vague enough to suit my taste."
Remus chose not to answer and simply followed Sirius to his room. Once inside, Sirius deposited Peter on the bed and turned expectantly to Remus.
"Alright, then," said Sirius. "Let's have it. What is this all about?"
"I lied in the meeting," said Remus without preamble. "There was one person I told about the orphanages." He pointed at the bed. "I told Peter."
"Peter?" said Sirius, disbelieving. "You think cowardly little Peter went to the Death Eaters with information? Come on, Remus. He'd piss himself first."
"I hope I'm wrong," said Remus curtly. He walked over to the bed and cast charms to bind Peter's hands and feet, just in case. "Where's the potion? I want to get this over with as quickly as possible."
"You're barking, you know that?" said Sirius as he fished something out of his pocket. "You've been alone too long in those woods. It's done something funny to your head."
"Do you sincerely think I want to accuse Peter of something so awful? Why do you think I'm doing this here instead of at the meeting? He's my friend, and I want him to remain my friend. If I'm wrong, then no harm done except for a Confundus jinx among friends."
Sirius didn't answer. Instead he put the phial of potion in Remus' hand and walked over to the desk and sat on the edge of it.
"Erm," said Remus. "I forget how much."
Sirius laughed. "You were always shite with potions. Three drops, and you might want to lift the jinx first. I don't know how they react together, but you'll probably scramble the tiny bit of brains he does have," he said, adding, "Honestly, Peter working for Voldemort. What a ludicrous notion."
"I hope you're right, Padfoot," murmured Remus and then lifted the jinx. Peter blinked his eyes to clear them and then immediately struggled against his bonds.
"I'm very sorry, Peter," said Remus sincerely. "I do hope I'm wrong about this. Now, can't have you going rat, can we?" Remus flicked his wand at Peter casting a spell to prevent him from changing into his Animagus form.
"Remus! What are you doing? Have you gone mad?" squeaked Peter, as he struggled to free himself from the tight ropes around his wrists and ankles.
"That's my theory," put in Sirius from the desk. "Hallo, Peter. Very sorry about all this. It's probably best to let Remus have his do and then we can have a laugh at him for his paranoia."
Remus ignored Sirius. "This," he said, holding up the phial, "is Veritaserum. I'm very sorry, Peter, and I hope both you and Sirius are right and I'm simply overwrought. The trouble, you see, is you are the only person I mentioned the orphanages to. I know I didn't tell anyone who shouldn't know, which leaves only you."
"Remus, you don't want to do that," said Peter. "Please, I didn't tell anyone, you have to take my word. If you do this, our friendship will never be the same. The trust will be gone."
"I know," said Remus sadly. "I just don't see another way."
"You know, he's got a point, Remus," said Sirius. "Can't you just take his word for it? This is getting a little ridiculous. We've all been friends for years."
"Listen to Padfoot, Moony," said Peter urgently. "Are you really going to throw away seven years of trust?"
Remus looked at Sirius. "I know all that, I know we've been friends for years, I know we've trusted each other with everything. I wouldn't do this without cause."
Sirius sat on the desk and gazed at Remus for a moment. Remus knew Sirius was weighing everything before he gave Remus his support. James would have blindly thrown in with Peter and told Remus he was out of line. But Sirius, he knew, understood something about the true nature of trust, that it couldn't always be blind, that on occasion, for the right reasons, it was the necessary course of action to question that trust. James had grown up so differently from either Sirius or Remus. He had known nothing but unconditional love and acceptance. Remus had the wolf to teach him about the fickle nature of trust and Sirius had Walburga.
Sirius slid off the desk and sauntered over to the bed. "Tell me, Peter. Did Remus tell you about the orphanages?"
There was a moment of absolute silence. If Peter said no, then Sirius would know one of them was lying which would put both Remus and Peter in a suspect light until someone took the potion and started spilling. If Peter said yes, then it opened the possibility he had in fact gone to the Death Eaters. Either way, Peter was taking the potion.
"Yes," Peter finally whispered.
"Then I think you need to take the potion," said Sirius solemnly. "But, in the interest of fairness, Remus, you should have to take it as well."
"Oh," said Remus and then smiled beatifically at Sirius. "You're brilliant; did you know?"
"I did, actually," said Sirius and then looked expectantly at Remus. "Go on, you first, Moony. It's only fair to poor Peter, there."
Remus nodded. He pulled the stopper off the Veritaserum and swallowed three drops.
"Alright, Padfoot," said Remus. "Ask away."
"Are you," said Sirius, a lazy shark's grin spreading across his face, "ready to shag and be shagged six ways from Sunday at your earliest convenience?"
"God, yes," said Remus with absolute conviction, answering before he could even fully absorb the question.
Sirius gave him a little wink. "Really should have seen that one coming, Moony."
"This is serious!" said Remus, outraged. Sirius could be so bloody infuriating at times. "I'm accusing a dear and trusted friend of the worst sort of betrayal and you want to know if I want to shag. Good god, Padfoot."
"Yes, yes, Peter is working for Voldemort. All very logical," said Sirius with a roll of his eyes. "Now then, on to business."
"I thought you were shagging James and Lily," blurted Peter, like he couldn't help himself. "Since when are you shagging Remus?"
Remus swung his head at Peter and gave him a withering glare. "You're still tied up, I hope you realize that."
"Soon as I can manage it, Pete," said Sirius, grinning like a loon. Remus squished his eyes together and pinched his brow with two fingers.
"Sirius," said Remus. "Will you please be-- Will you just ask the damn question already?"
Sirius cleared his throat officiously. "Remus, are you now or have you ever worked for Voldemort in any capacity or are you in league with any such persons that are?"
"No," said Remus promptly.
"Shocker, that one," teased Sirius.
How was it even possible for Sirius to joke after the night they had all had? As soon as the question flitted across Remus' mind he had his answer. He should have predicted this, but he was too focused on Peter to consider how Sirius would behave and react.
"Sirius," said Remus wearily. "I know you're just being you. But, could you just be a little less you for a few moments? Please? I know you've had a rough night, I have too. I know you cover things up with humor to cope, but I really, really need you recognize the seriousness of the situation."
Sirius sighed. "Yes, sorry, Moony. I'll behave. Alright, Pete, you're up."
"No!" said Peter urgently. "Please don't do this! It isn't fair! I've done nothing wrong."
"Calm down, Peter," said Sirius. "We're not going to ask about your wanking habits. You're innocent, right? We're just giving nervous Moony here some peace of mind. This isn't worse than any prank we played on each other at school, for Merlin's sake."
"I won't take it," said Peter, and made a show of clamping his mouth shut.
Remus started to feel sick to his stomach.
"You're," said Sirius, and then swallowed. "Peter, you're not acting very innocent. I wish you wouldn't do that."
"Christ," swore Remus, who couldn't take the tension any longer, his stomach roiling with nausea. He climbed onto the bed and straddled Peter, pulled the stopper off the phial once more and held it over his mouth. "Open," demanded Remus.
"Moony!" said Sirius, shocked.
"He's guilty, Sirius!" snapped Remus. "If he weren't he wouldn't be resisting. Now if he won't open his mouth, then you'll just have to open it for him. I want to hear from his own lips what he's done to Davey!"
Sirius paused for a long moment which seemed to stretch into eternity. He was beginning to have his doubts about Peter's innocence, Remus knew, but forcing Veritaserum down Peter's throat was crossing a line they could never come back from. A low hum floated up through the wooden slats, conversation and the soft tinkling of metal against crockery. Seconds ticked off on the clock, each louder than the one before it and Remus held his breath, held out for Sirius to trust that he was right, to take the consequences with him if he was wrong.
Then, finally, finally, finally, Sirius gave Remus a swift, curt nod. "Alright," said Sirius, though his tone was thick with guilt.
"Nooooo," howled Peter. "Help! Someone help me!"
Sirius moved with haste to squeeze himself between Peter's head and the headboard of the bed. He cradled Peter's jaw between his fingers as Peter thrashed against the bonds, under Remus and against Sirius, his screams now muffled against jaws clamped shut once more. Remus watched with vicious appreciation as Sirius' fingers flexed against the pinion of Peter's jaw, forcing it open by a fraction. His hands shaking, Remus dripped one, two, three drops of potion into Peter's mouth.
"Did you tell someone about the orphanages?" snarled Remus.
Peter struggled against the potion to no avail. "Yes," he whispered.
The play of emotion on Sirius' face as he absorbed the reality of this one word caused Remus' heart to clench sympathetically. Sirius had obviously not prepared himself for the shock of betrayal. His doubt of Peter's innocence had been just that, doubt, not conviction. "You little fucking traitor," seethed Sirius. "How the fuck could you do that?"
"How could I not?" snapped Peter. "You and James and Lily were too caught up in whatever the hell you were trying to do to notice anything else, to notice what was happening to me."
"What the fuck kind of excuse is that?" Sirius was starting to tremble, his fingers curling cruelly back into the flesh and muscle of Peter's jaw.
"You were always there to protect me, you and James and Remus. And then suddenly Remus isn't talking to anyone anymore except by post, and you three were distracted with each other. Everyone saw it. No one felt safe going on missions if you and Lily were a part of it because you'd just fight the whole time, and James was falling apart because he couldn't hold you two together. What was I supposed to do?"
"You're blaming this on us?" roared Sirius, his fingers slipping from Peter's jaw to his neck. "I'll tell you what you could have done. Anything! Anything but what you did do! We trusted you, you little maggot!"
"Sirius, get off him," said Remus, tense, struggling to keep a lid on his rage. "Please." It wouldn't do for Sirius to lose control. He was fully capable of killing Peter if he was angry enough and from the looks of it, he was well on his way there. "You're going to damage him and then he's useless to us."
Sirius clenched his jaw. "Exactly how is useful to us now?"
"We need to get the Order's Aurors here, Moody and the Longbottoms," said Remus tightly. Sirius was angry and would be argumentative and belligerent, even with Remus, if given half the chance. The opportunity to do something with himself was just what Sirius needed, Remus knew, and breathed an inward sigh of relief when Sirius began to move away from Peter.
"Yeah, alright," muttered Sirius. "Moody's bound to be up. I'm not certain he ever sleeps."
"Hurry back."
"Don't ask this pissant anything else until I get back," said Sirius as stood to his feet.
Remus, who had been looming over Peter in a rather wolfish manner, leaned back, shocked by how very much he wanted to harm Peter, and nodded. "Yeah, okay."
As the door clicked shut behind Sirius, Remus gave Peter a contemptible leer of loathing and disgust. The wolf was so close to surface, roused by the man's fury. "I have never in my life wished for the ability to transform at will. I almost think I could, so if I were you, I would keep my fucking mouth shut."
Peter whimpered.
Remus' control was so close to slipping, too close, so he lifted off Peter and backed himself to the desk. He wondered if his spell to keep Peter from going rat still held, so for added surety he Petrified Peter. As he waited, he concentrated on his breathing, keeping it slow and even, keeping himself in control.
When Sirius returned with Moody, Dumbledore was with them, looking about as grim as Remus had ever seen the elderly wizard. A perfunctory nod of the head was directed to Remus in acknowledgment of his presence and then Dumbledore sat beside Peter on the bed. Sirius walked over to the desk and stood shoulder to shoulder with Remus while Moody stood at the end of the bed, his arms folded across his chest.
"Petrified and bound?" said Dumbledore to Peter, surprised. "It would seem Mr. Lupin gives you a great deal of credit as an escape artist." He passed his wand over Peter. "Curious." He turned his gaze on Remus. "It would also seem Mr. Lupin thinks you can change form at will."
Remus flashed a look at Sirius beside him and then down to his shoes, saying nothing, overwhelmingly relieved Dumbledore hadn't phrased it as a question.
"Perhaps that is a conversation best saved for another time," mused Dumbledore, turning back to Peter. "We have rather more pressing matters at hand. Mr. Pettigrew, I understand from Mr. Black you've had quite the interesting evening." Dumbledore passed his wand over Peter again, first releasing his hands and feet and then un-Petrifying him.
Peter scrambled back, pressing against the headboard and looking around with terrified eyes, glancing furtively from one face to the next.
"Where'd they take the werewolf orphans," growled Moody impatiently.
"G-Greyback," whimpered Peter. "Fenrir Greyback, he has them. I don't know where."
"Merlin," breathed Remus. Fenrir was a well-known werewolf and a Death Eater. Purportedly, he had a philosophy of sorts, if one could call it that, about werewolves being true to their wolfish nature at all times, not just on the night of the full moon. He knew his father reacted strongly to the name, so he'd never asked too many questions.
"He plans to add them to his pack?" asked Dumbledore, peering at Peter over his half-moon spectacles.
"Yes," replied Peter, and then shuddered. "He's-- unpleasant. "
"And you handed those poor kids over to him," snarled Sirius. "You worthless piece of-"
"Mr. Black, if you please," said Dumbledore sharply. Sirius glared at floor, sullen, and folded his arms. "How long have you been spying for Voldemort, Mr. Pettigrew?" continued Dumbledore, as though they were discussing what color of socks Peter preferred.
"Since just before the last full moon," answered Peter, with a glance at Remus.
"Are you saying that after we spoke, after all the pleading and the guilt about friendships, you turned around and sold the Order out to the other side?" asked Remus with angry incredulity, curling his fingers around the edge of the desk and digging his short nails into the wood hard enough to cause him pain.
Peter visibly winced. "Just after that," he whispered. "I'd been contacted, but I hadn't done anything. I - I thought for sure if you knew how bad it had gotten, you'd help your friends out. I never thought you'd say no.
"I should have known," said Remus bitterly. "You've never been interested in the personal lives of other people enough to meddle." Remus ran his hand though his hair in agitation. "So what exactly did you tell them? What do you know about that night that I don't?"
"I told them everything you told me," said Peter miserably. "So they had several of their number following you around and doing their own hunt for the orphanage. You were just about to find the wards on your own, but they got to it first."
Peter's confession hit Remus like a physical blow to the gut. So he hadn't been alone in the forest. For how long? The entire month? Gods, but that was a scary feeling, to learn this now. Sirius nudged Remus with his shoulder. "What is he talking about?" he asked quietly.
Remus sighed; Christ, this was turning into a long day. "Peter wanted me to help you, James, and Lily put your relationship back together. I refused."
Sirius' eyebrows got lost in his hairline. "He what?!"
"So you were approached?" said Moody loudly, ostensibly to shut Remus and Sirius' conversation down.
"Yes. I didn't go looking for this, I swear," replied Peter urgently, looking around hopefully from face to face. "I had to give them something! They were going to kill me!"
"And you would have come clean about the pressure you were under if I'd helped set James, Sirius, and Lily straight, is that it?" said Remus dubiously. "What about after you'd whored yourself out to Voldemort? Or were you content to sell all your secrets and see your friends die one by one? I might have had a change of heart. If I had come around and done as you asked would you have told us what you were up to?"
"I didn't want any of this," pleaded Peter, dropping his eyes. "I wanted to be done with it. I kept hoping you would change your mind," he said quietly. There was no conviction in his tone.
"Generally speaking, that's a one way ticket, you miserable tosspot," retorted Sirius bitingly. "Or have you forgotten about my brother?"
"I wouldn't have had to if Remus had just listened to me!" said Peter urgently.
"Your brother?" said Remus to Sirius, alarmed, ignoring Peter's outburst. Remus remembered only too well the rage Sirius had gone into when he discovered his little brother had been recruited by Voldemort. But that was old news now.
"He's gone missing," said Sirius softly. "It didn't make the Prophet. I had just spoken to him - he seemed… I dunno. The next week I got a letter from Mother wanting to know if I knew where he was. He's not turned up since."
"Sirius…" breathed Remus, his voice full of regret. What else had he missed in his time away from his friends? "No one ever said in any of their letters. Not one word."
Sirius shrugged. "I try not to think about it."
"You'd have known if you'd been around," said Peter to Remus. It wasn't said unkindly, but it rankled Remus that Peter was still trying to blame him. "If you had just-"
"You shut the fuck up!" snarled Sirius. "He's not the traitor, you are!"
"Well, then," said Dumbledore loudly. "Alastor, I imagine the Aurors will have questions for Mr. Pettigrew."
Moody grunted and strode forward to the bed.
"What about the orphans?" asked Remus.
"Separate matter," said Moody as he yanked Peter roughly to his feet. "Though now we know who to question if we can bring him in."
"The Order will be looking into it as well," said Dumbledore, giving Remus a significant look. "Though I imagine you've enough to be getting on with for now. I'll give you and your friends a few days to recover from the shock and then I'll be in touch."
"Oh, god," said Remus suddenly. "James doesn't know."
Sirius closed his eyes and muttered an oath under his breath. James would take this the hardest. "Headmaster, will you let Remus and me tell James, please?" At this Peter's bottom lip began to quiver.
"He would have defended you, you know," said Remus, sparing Peter no mercies. "He would never have allowed us to question you if he had any idea what we were up to."
"Constant vigilance!" said Moody gruffly as he began to drag Peter toward the door. Large, fat tears were rolling down Peter's cheeks. "I'll have to speak to Potter about trusting so easily. Now then, let's see if we can't shake a few more details out of you at the Ministry, Pettigrew."
Despite Remus' insistence he wasn't hungry and couldn't eat if he tried, Sirius had gone down to the tavern and picked up two orders of fish and chips. Remus sat on the bed and picked at his food. In the aftermath of Peter's revelation, it seemed their world had crumbled, all of their happy memories together now tainted with the stain of blood and betrayal.
Sirius was coping with his anger by doting on Remus the way he used to after the full moon, and Remus wasn't coping at all. Dumbledore had agreed to let Remus and Sirius tell James, but Remus couldn't even imagine what words to use. There was no way to soften the blow, not to mention the whole sordid mess was complicated by the recent break up.
"You're not eating," said Sirius for the tenth time. He was making Remus dizzy. On the desk, off the desk, on the desk, off the desk. Sirius wouldn't sit still and seemed unsure whether he was allowed to touch Remus or not as there had been at least half a dozen aborted attempts to do just that, each time with Sirius apparently thinking better of it.
"I'm aware of that," said Remus, again, and picked up a piece of crispy fried fish and examined it for something to do. "Will you please sit still?"
Sirius immediately sat on the desk, fairly vibrating with anxious energy. His legs kicked out and back, out and back, swinging from the knee down like he was eight, not eighteen. Remus could get tired just from watching Sirius.
"I think," said Remus, "that I would very much like to get completely, stinking drunk."
Sirius was off the desk like a shot and headed toward the door, mission in hand: booze for Moony.
"But," said Remus before Sirius had gotten three steps into his stride, "I think we need to talk. About everything."
Paused rather comically in mid-motion, reminiscent of a mime, Sirius slowly raised one eyebrow. "Define 'everything'."
A bubble of hysterical laughter threatened to burst out of Remus. It was just tension and nerves and the need for some sort of release. The laughter forced its way out, high, unrestrained, and slightly unhinged, but was swiftly replaced by something far worse as every minute of that day and all that had led up to it fell upon him. He folded himself over his lap to hide the tears and muffle the sob that wouldn't be silenced. He felt out of control, like he was flying apart and falling into himself all at once, and when he was done there would be nothing left of him. He was only dimly aware of newspaper crinkling as his fish and chips were removed from the bed, that a warm body was sidling up next to him, and that hands were gently prying him apart and stretching him out.
"Come on, Remus," murmured Sirius. "Lay back for me, love."
"We haven't talked yet," said Remus nonsensically, as Sirius' hands tried to guide him into a more relaxed position. "We have to talk. There is too much to talk about for this to be happening. This can't happen."
"I'm hardly trying to seduce you," said Sirius, his irritated baritone little more than a low rumble. Warmth enveloped Remus as Sirius carefully slid his arms under Remus' and around his waist, Sirius' breath tickling Remus' skin. "It's been an upsetting night for both of us. How can you think so little of me?" It wasn't a question that needed answering, not tonight at any rate. Remus wasn't interested in pointing out Sirius' flaws and inconsistencies, so he just let himself be held and petted, sighing as soft, warm lips were pressed into chaste kisses on his neck. It felt so good to be taken care of, was such a great relief to find solace here in Sirius' arms. Fingers threaded gently through his hair and down his back, slow, soothing touches meant only to calm and quiet.
"There is something I still don't understand," said Remus finally, feeling much calmer now. His moment of hysteria and confusion had been soothed away by Sirius' patient, persistent care.
"What's that?" said Sirius. The hair behind Remus' ear was brushed aside and a kiss was placed there, and then another. "Are you going narrow 'everything' down just a tick?" Lips pressed against Remus' skin curved into a smile.
"James Baldry," said Remus, unable to keep a sour note out of his voice. "You listened to that stupid song every day, over and over, pining away for James, and-"
"Wait, stop," said Sirius, interrupting him. "You're only half right. I never pined over James."
"Yes! Yes, you did!" insisted Remus. "It all started after James and Lily got serious and whatever the two of you did together came to a screeching halt."
"I was jealous of James, but it didn't have anything to do with wanting him. He was only ever a distraction from what I actually wanted. I was jealous he'd gotten his someone and I didn't think I ever would."
Remus let that sink in for a moment. "Oh."
"Yes, oh."
Sirius pulled away from Remus to lay flat on his back, and looked up at the ceiling. "James-- he missed me, I guess. And I-" Sirius sighed. "I was lonely. And horny. And I liked Lily well enough. When he came to me with the story about how he'd told her everything and that she'd broken it off with him… God, he was so upset, you know? So, I did what I'm good at. I talked her around. I guess it seemed like the best offer I was going to get, at least in the way of being cared about. Lily and James, I knew they'd never want me for my money or my looks. They'd want me for me. That's all I've ever wanted. Well, besides you. But I didn't see that as very likely."
"I'm sorry I never told you," said Remus softly. "I just- I thought I couldn't compete with James. He's always come first with you. I thought there was something between us, but it always seemed like James was in the way. I just wasn't brave enough to trust what I felt."
"And now everything is completely fucked up," said Sirius, still staring at the ceiling.
Remus moved a little closer to Sirius and rested his head on the turn of Sirius' shoulder. He found Sirius' hand and threaded their fingers together. "Not everything," he said softly, and gave Sirius a small smile.
Sirius turned towards Remus, gently pulling him close enough for their breath to mingle, and placed a single, soft kiss to Remus' lips. "No," agreed Sirius. "Not everything."
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Obviously, it was well-written with a marvelous blend of plot, smut, and character development. Those are some of your trademarks: really well-balanced fiction. Hell, you even write action well (which I personally think is tricky) and those scenes at the orphanage were really powerful. I love how it was a love story and the major force of it was about Remus and his love for Sirius, but there was an exciting aspect to the plot as well. That makes for a good read as well as a smutty read. (That probably sounded awful, but I meant it as a compliment.)
Also very you is writing an extremely sexy Sirius. Sirius leaned against the desk and grabbed the bottle, long legs stretched out in front of him, thighs parted wide by the back of the chair riding between them. The seal tore as he twisted off the cap and then filled both glasses with amber liquid. "Here," he said, offering Remus the tumbler of whiskey. His eyes were mischievous under dark lashes, an amused smirk curling around the corners of his mouth. Sirius was gorgeous, all hard muscle and bad intentions under a white oxford and tight jeans.Your Mr. Black is always eminently fuckable in the best possible way.
But he is more than that, and you totally get that. I can totally see him staying in that relationship with Lily and James simply because he didn’t want to hurt his best friend – or even Lily. It is also why he’d get into that in the first place. He is so fiercely loyal and devoted to his friends. You get that. Just as importantly, you get that hidden, fragile side of him. "I was jealous of James, but it didn't have anything to do with wanting him. He was only ever a distraction from what I actually wanted. I was jealous he'd gotten his someone and I didn't think I ever would." That is precisely Sirius, so needy and so fearful of not being loved. I adore that aspect of him and you really write it well.
What did surprise me, however, was how well you wrote Remus. I’m not saying I didn’t think you could write Remus, I’m saying that I think of you as a “Sirius person,” but you really wrote this like a “Remus person.” By that I mean it wasn’t just writing Sirius through Remus’ eyes, it was really writing Remus as if you knew him/were him. And that speaks volumes for you as a writer.
This was just extremely well done.
PS THANK YOU for the happy ending, too! I needed that!
PPS My computer is doing this annoying thing in which the curser jumps about unexpectedly. It's quite annoying and, if something doesn't make sense here, that is why.
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Thank you for the compliment. That is such a lovely thing for you to say. I've heard people say they know when it was me but no one has ever told me how they know. I figured I used the same phrases or something (which I probably do) but no one has ever said this. Thank you for that. It is really, really nice to hear.
The scene at the orphanage was, without a doubt, the hardest writing I have ever done. It wasn't right, and it wasn't right, and it wasn't right. I think it took something like ten to fifteen rewrites. It was awful and hard and when I was done, I was sick of this scene.
I'll admit that I kinda love that picture of Sirius. He's so damn sexy and he knows it. I was pleased with that.
He is so fiercely loyal and devoted to his friends.
He is, oh god, he is so devoted and loyal and somehow this gets a little lost in fanfiction. I think he could trap himself in this manner and it wouldn't take much to land him in this position.
Just as importantly, you get that hidden, fragile side of him.
I do believe his family did a number on his head, though I reject the idea of him crazy as a young man. I don't think his family was crazy, there might be some mental disabilities, but they weren't, as a whole, a bunch of sociopaths. That I reject out of hand. What I believe that fragility we perceive is, has to do with not getting enough love as a child, and having what love he did get be conditional. He could lose that love so easily by being the wrong sort of son. That's why he created a new family that did love him unconditionally, and there is nothing he wouldn't do to preserve it.
What did surprise me, however, was how well you wrote Remus. I’m not saying I didn’t think you could write Remus, I’m saying that I think of you as a “Sirius person,” but you really wrote this like a “Remus person.” By that I mean it wasn’t just writing Sirius through Remus’ eyes, it was really writing Remus as if you knew him/were him. And that speaks volumes for you as a writer.
I am a Sirius-person, through and through. And to be honest, I got a little scared when I realized I had set myself up for a lot of introspective Remus. I couldn't bring Sirius in until much later in the story. Thank you for letting me know I did justice to the character. I was worried.
This was just extremely well done.
Thank you. Honestly, I was worried about this one because I put Sirius in a position where I think we'd see the worst of him. An injured, cornered dog can be a very dangerous creature, and I think he has it in him, but writing it, showing it, that's totally different. He was so desperately unhappy once he realized he could have had Remus all along and it was so hard to show what was happening and not be in his POV. I'm still not so sure I succeeded, but thank you for the compliment.
PS THANK YOU for the happy ending, too! I needed that!
Heh, I'm a happy ending kinda gal. :)
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Exactly. In my universe his mother is a little bat-shit crazy, but that functions more as a "horrible family secret" (like having an alcoholic or drug addict in the family) then a reason he might be crazy. He doesn't seem crazy at all.
That said, you are totally on point with the idea of him needing/wanting to be loved and fearing losing that love. Honestly, you don't often see that sort of near-fanatical loyalty from children who come from loving homes (especially large, loving families.) Shit, my SIL's barely socialize outside of each other and all their friends are friends with all of the sisters. No, Sirius' fragility (and loyalty/devotion) totally stem from feeling unloved at home. Frankly, he exhibits some of the classical characteristics of adult and teenaged alcoholics, but that just comes from childhood issues, I think, not from being the actual child of an alcoholic.
And, yes, that IS a very dog-like characteristic. As I mentioned in my comment on
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This was absolutely fucking brilliant. Everything was so perfectly nuanced, every sentence just right, not to mention the emotional ride I've just gone through makes me want a stiff drink or three. Which is a compliment, in case that wasn't clear. Ahem.
Just when I think that I have managed to harden my heart against all the atrocities of the First War, along comes your beautiful, selfish, heartbreakingly human Remus, and I can't help but break all over again. His voice is so powerful in this, so flawed yet so relatable and real. He is selfish without being weak, loving without being blindingly trusting or naive. He's almost like a child soldier struggling to find a meaning in the war, while attempting to fight the war that's going on within his family and friends, and within his own heart. It's a complicated struggle, and you made it into a wonderful story.
And Sirius! Stupid fucking Sirius, whom I don't even know if I want to punch in the head or snog stupid. The idea of his extreme loyalty toward James compelling him to keep on with a relationship that is clearly not functioning is fascinating and troubling but just so Sirius. And that's all I can say before becoming completely incoherent.
Thank you for this story. It will stay with me for a long time and probably provide a fair bit of inspiration. Bravo~♥