Drabble: Parody Sirius/Hermione

[ceredwensirius]

Title: Parody
Author: ceredwensirius
Written For: grangerblack100
Word Count: 500 (on the nose)
Rating: PG
Challenge: Purple
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine.
Author's Note: I just finished a particularly bad Harlequin-esque romance and wondered what Sirius' take on it would be.


The deep chuckle coming from the sitting room floated through the house to the front door where Hermione stood in its opening. She knew that laugh. Nothing good ever came from that particular laugh.

With her various brightly colored shopping bags swinging from their handles, she bumped the door closed with her rump and then followed the sound through the house. Sprawled out on a couch like some indecent, petulant god, one long limb kicked over the side, the other spread wide with a foot planted firmly on the floor, he occupied every inch with his back laid out and his arms held high. In his hands was the source of his mirth. Hermione knew she hadn’t liked that laugh.

On the cover of the bodice-ripper he was chortling over was a perfectly clichéd, bare-chested, long-haired hero, and in his arms was the damsel he had rescued. She too was a perfect cliché, with her low-cut, tightly-strung bodice that would have suffocated any real woman. As it was a Wizard romance and not Muggle, the hero would grin cheekily from the page and then whirl the girl around into a scorching kiss.

“I - I can’t - I can’t believe you read this drivel.” He was laughing so hard he struggled to get his words out, muscles bunching in his abdomen. “This writer, she’s awful! Men do not think this way, Hermione. How can you stand it?”

Before she could retort, he began quoting from the book. Hermione leaned into the doorway, her lips turned down in a severe frown as this was not funny to her at all.

“The first touch of those plump, luscious lips on his mouth was like the soft brush of petals from a wild-growing hibiscus, and he was nothing more than a bumbling bee that couldn’t get enough of her sweet elixir. With a quick, soft, wanton sigh that sent his senses reeling, she parted her lips. He plunged his tongue into her soft, velvety depths, finding himself irrevocably lost in a soul-trembling, toe-curling, mind-bending kiss…

Sirius stopped, a wicked smile playing on his lips. “No man, in the whole history of men, has ever thought anything close to this load of purple rubbish.”

It was only then that he looked up; Hermione was slumped against the doorframe, her lower lip wobbling and large, fat tears in her eyes, threatening to spill.

“That was my first published novel,” she whispered. “And you just shredded it.” She neatly wiped away the tears, and then looked at him defiantly. “I’ll have you know I based that off of my fantasies about you, before all of this… us.”

Sirius sighed, laid the book aside and stood up, a look of contrite apology in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, kitten, I didn’t realize… but you have to know, that is a sad parody compared to the way a man really feels about his woman. Its… less flowery, and more-”

“As apologies go,” she said tartly, “yours is rubbish.”

Comments

[whitmans-kiss.livejournal.com]

Hee, the adjectives in the passage Sirius quotes are so ridiculous and just shy of tacky, I giggled. So like a Harlequin!

Cute, clever and concise - this could easily have run on and on with description but it was trimmed and hilarious.

Loved, loved this line:
Sprawled out on a couch like some indecent, petulant god, one long limb kicked over the side, the other spread wide with a foot planted firmly on the floor...

[ceredwensirius.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know. It was fun trying to come up with something bad enough to seem like a convincing, romance-esque novel. This is a bit of an exaggeration. I guess it depends on who'S writing them, right?

I had to work hard to keep it under the comm minimum, that sort of language just drives the word count right up, you know?

Thank you for pointing out what you liked in particular, that always makes an author feel good, thank you for this lovely review.

[toujours-nigel.livejournal.com]

This. So true. And so what drives me straight up the wall about a lot of het fic, man. Okay, a lot of slash, too. Your charas, male, female, androgynous, whatever, are real people, and not the fevered imaginations of a thirteen year old virgin.

Thank you for making Sirius be, well, unabashed in his bashing of this. :)

*uses Walburga icon, well, because*

[ceredwensirius.livejournal.com]

LOL! Well, it drives me a little batty too, especially when Sirius is emasculated by some het writers by making him think in such a bizarre way for a man. I see this in both het and slash, but yes, more in het. There are some really good Sirius/Hermione writers who keep in mind that he is a man, I guess I wanted to hand him his balls back.

[dogsunderfoot.livejournal.com]

Rubbish? Well, maybe a little. Give him a chance, Hermione. He's an intelligent man and I'm sure he'll find some way to, er, make it up to you. (And give you some more insight on what a guy thinks...)

Sadly enough, though, his comments are very much the reason why a friend of mine called me the Sirius of our group--I sometimes just say things without thinking them through or without thinking they'll matter to anyone.

Love this!

[ceredwensirius.livejournal.com]

You know, he has that foot in mouth disease in canon, like in SWM where he goes on about how awesome the full moon would be and Remus just mutters about how only Sirius would think that. It was thoughtless and self-centered and sometimes Sirius is like that.

And oh, man, this is me too! I'm far more likely to pop out with something thoughtless at times, especially when I'm excited, than I am to carefully think my words through.

Thank you for giving this a read, you are a doll.