ceredwensirius (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ceredwensirius) wrote2010-11-21 08:35 pm
ceredwensirius) wrote2010-11-21 08:35 pm
Entry tags:
Fic: Anatomy of a Wound | Remus/Sirus | R
Author: ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ceredwensirius
Written For: R/S Games
Team: Team AU
Title: Anatomy of a Wound
Pairings: James/Sirius/Lily, Remus/Sirius
Rating: R for language and sexual situations
Warnings: Very abusive language, minor character death, threesome sex (not shown), James/Sirius/Lily, infidelity
Genre(s): Angst
Word Count: ~27,000
Summary: A story about mistakes in love and war.
Prompt: 41
Notes: Thank you mods for putting on such a fantastic fest once again! And also thank youdogsunderfoot for the amazing beta work! Liberties taken with the location of England's forests. I did my research but I still may have gotten something wildly wrong.
The blade is sharpened
The day Remus Lupin had his heart broken, the skies were a beautiful, cloudless, sunny lie, McCartney's voice from Remus' ancient, battered Victrola urged him to 'let it be', and war was thrumming in the blood of every witch and wizard in Britain. Remus stood outside the door to the seventh year boy's dormitory and smiled because the Beatles meant Sirius was inside and probably in a good mood. It had been some time since the old Victrola had played anything outside of Remus' John Baldry albums. In particular "Let The Heartache Begin" as Sirius pined after James whose attention was now turned on Lily.
Remus hoped the Beatles heralded a change of heart for Sirius. There had been something, he thought, something desperately tentative between them, something secret hidden in smiles for one another, something fragile and precious. Remus had known Sirius loved James first, and had given up hope for a time that anything would develop between himself and Sirius. For James, though, it seemed to have merely been a stop on the way to wedding bells, roses by the garden gate, and babies crying in the night.
As Remus pushed open the door, his hope was pinned to seeing Sirius on his bed, head bobbing to the music and a smile on his face, his good mood once again restored. Remus hoped the pining and pouting was over and they could resume their small flirtations and follow it to a satisfactory conclusion. He was tired of waiting and tired of being alone.
One foot in the room and Remus realized how wrong he was. Sirius was on his bed, but he was not alone. He and James were on either side of Lily and they were-
"Oh, god, I'm sorry," stammered Remus. He should leave but his feet were frozen to the spot. How had this happened? Lily wasn't the sort of girl to go for such things; she was supposed to have been the catalyst, the thing which pushed Sirius toward Remus. This was completely wrong.
"Moony," said James. His voice was low, thickened on lust, and caused jealousy to cut through Remus like the bile burning his throat. It made his skin feel hot and close, made little beads of sweat to form on his brow, made his hands go clammy. Remus wanted to vomit, he wanted to flee, he wanted to do a lot of things other than simply gawk and stare. He was being rude, but he couldn't help it. All of his chances, all his hope, all his dreams had just disappeared, been snatched away from him by the two people in this world he had never wanted to hate.
But hate, or something closely akin to it, warred within him, stinging every nerve ending as he struggled to remember he loved James and Lily, that James was one of his best friends - a brother, that Lily was close as a sister. Perhaps if he had told someone - one of them, Lily at the very least - that he loved Sirius, that he had wanted Sirius since he was fourteen, this might not be happening.
"Sorry, Moony," said Sirius. He didn't meet Remus' eyes as he drew up a sheet to cover the blushing and stunned silent Lily. "We thought you'd be out with Wormtail doing last minute revisions for his Charms N.E.W.T."
Remus felt like screaming, or crying, or hexing them one and all, because the reasons for the apology were all wrong. It shouldn't be Sirius apologizing anyway, it should be Lily, for being greedy and not satisfied with just one. Why did she have to take them both? He loved Lily, though, she was his friend, she hadn't known, and guilt over feeling such animosity coated the jealousy, which only made him feel sicker.
"I - I'll just go," said Remus. His feet still wouldn't move; all he could do was stare and hurt and feel betrayed. He felt betrayed and knew it was irrational because nothing in this room had ever belonged to him, no matter how much he may have wanted it. Everything in this room had always belonged to James, even himself after a fashion. He had never stood a chance against James, not in all the years James and Sirius had made sexual mischief with one another.
This was more than mere mischief, though; Lily's very presence confirmed that. This simply wasn't the sort of girl she was - incapable of giving herself, her body, without emotional attachment, without love. Whatever this was, however it had developed, Remus knew it wasn't a fleeting thing.
"Remus, are you alright?" asked Lily. "You don't look so well." Her voice was small, an acknowledgment that she had just been caught with her knickers down and in bed with two boys. And yet she rose above her own discomfort and worried over the welfare of her friend. Remus' guilt thickened, catching in his throat, and for a moment he couldn't find his breath.
"I'm fine," said Remus, aware that his voice was shaking. He took a step back and had to brace himself on the door. The strength in his knees threatened to fail as they wobbled and shook, and he feared he might fall. "I'm fine," he repeated.
He was made of sterner stuff than this, he reminded himself; he was no wilting flower to be ripped from the soil. Every month he withstood the ravages of dark magic on his body - pain was as familiar to him as breathing - and he would withstand this, too.
"Excuse the interruption," said Remus, and pulled the door closed. He couldn't, at the moment, determine what those looks, those moments, between himself and Sirius had ever meant. Maybe it had been wishful thinking, all of it, the product of an imagination that wanted something so badly he'd made truth out of daydreams.
~*~
It was James who caught up to Remus first, Remus who had been doing his best to avoid all three of them, and due to the circumstances, they let him. It was not, after all, a regular occurrence that one happened upon three people involved in a hot and sweaty entanglement in one's dormitory. The embarrassment that was surely felt by all three of them, Lily most of all, created a cushion between them, allowing them to maintain a separate peace without the need for explanations as to why.
N.E.W.T.s had come and gone, and the end of the term, the end of their careers as students, was fast upon them. There would be no return to the carefree folly of students come September. The real world beckoned and the war that colored its every inch.
"Moony," called James from across the grounds. Remus grit his teeth and then plastered on a smile and waved in return. James jogged over and sat beside him and for a moment there was silence, awkward, and it stretched on until Remus cleared his throat.
"I'm sorry for barging in," said Remus. There were never truer words spoken; he wished he could go his whole life without knowing; he wished he didn't have equal measures of love and hate, guilt and jealousy, all twisting in a messy tangle in his heart.
James nodded and was quiet for a moment more, his lips pursed and his brow furrowed. Remus knew an explanation was forthcoming. If there was a way to stop James from speaking a single word about it he would, but as close as they all were, an explanation was the expected action.
"I told Lily," James began, "about Sirius and me. I wanted her for so long, but I realized there was something missing, that Sirius was missing, so I told her about all those years of messing about."
Remus couldn't look at James; neither could he speak because his tongue lay thick and dry in his mouth, his throat constricted by his volatile, contradictory emotions.
"She was furious at first, you know, that I hadn't told her," continued James. "I had to tell her that while I was dating her, I was shagging Sirius, and she was, well, she was very hurt."
Remus was surprised by both the admission and that James had said anything at all to jeopardize his relationship with Lily. The lurching of his stomach was due to the realization of just how much Sirius meant to James, how much he actually cared, that it wasn't just mischief, that Remus had always misinterpreted James' intentions.
"I didn't know I would miss him so much, and I couldn't have a lie like that between Lily and me," James went on. "She broke it off with me and told me she never wanted to see me again."
Remus remembered a fight Lily and James had had a few days prior to discovering them all in bed together, but assumed it had been nothing more serious than the usual tiffs they tended to find themselves in. Two young and headstrong people that had butted heads for years were bound to have the occasional squabble.
"It was Sirius, believe it or not, who set things right. He went and talked to her and when he was done, well…"
Remus nodded, though he could scarcely agree things had been set right. Things were completely, utterly, and incontrovertibly wrong. They could have paired off two by two and all been happy. A small part of him wondered if Sirius was giving James everything and anything he wanted just like always. He didn't understand how three people could love each other without one of them feeling slighted, and he didn't, couldn't, wish them well. He wanted the dynamics to explode, for Sirius to break off because James paid more attention to Lily. Sirius always needed to be the center of everything and only he, Remus, could have given him that. Not James, who was just as egotistical as Sirius, and not Lily, who was unused to having two men in her life. Remus sat beside his friend and wished his relationships ill and felt like an absolute worm because of it.
"It's a bit awkward for all of us," said James when Remus didn't add anything to the conversation. "I know it's a bit… unconventional, and we're sorry you walked in on that. It's just, we're all friends, Moony, and I hope you don't think differently of us. You're one of us, you know. You always will be. This doesn't change anything."
Remus could weep for how much everything had changed, for how the great affection and esteem he had always held James in was now clouded by bitterness and jealousy. He couldn't shake the feeling that he and Sirius had been close to something, that given time it would have happened. In his heart, he felt that he was the better match for Sirius - James and Sirius were too much alike, too volatile together - but he, Remus, was the tether to Sirius' windblown kite.
He had no answer to give, did not trust his mouth to make the words he should say. He could hear the lyrics of that damned James Baldry song echo in his mind like a taunt - so let the heartache begin, I can't help it, I can't win… - and understood why Sirius had played it over and over again if his heart felt anything like Remus' own did.
"It's just, I mean it's understandable, Remus, Moony, why you'd stay away like you have. It was embarrassing for us as well, but it's time to set things right, yeah?"
"Yeah, of course," said Remus finally. His voice sounded raw and unused to his ears, like he'd had sandpaper scratched down his windpipe or he was a thirty year veteran of the smoking habit. He couldn't look up at James for fear he would betray everything he was feeling in a single glance, that all of his emotional bile would be on display. It was hard enough to simply sit here and listen, to chant an endless mantra in his mind of 'James is my best friend, I adore Lily' over and over just to get through it.
"Good man," said James, and then clapped a hand on Remus' shoulder and gave a squeeze. Remus felt himself flinch away reflexively, like something filthy had touched him. He hadn't meant to, hadn't meant to give anything away; it had been automatic and uncontrollable. James paused, and Remus knew that James' eyes were searching for the cause, and that James would probably assume it was because Remus didn't approve of the relationship.
James let go of Remus' shoulder and straightened up. He stood beside Remus for a moment and there was a restless, uncertain current between them. Remus waited it out, his eyes never lifting up to James', his mouth never quirking up to a smile or a smirk or any of the possible cues he knew James was waiting for.
"I'm sorry this is affecting you like this, Remus," said James finally. "I'm not sure I completely understand. I know it's unusual, but even if you don't approve, even if you think we're making a mistake..."
"I can't explain it, James. Please don't ask me to."
There was a sigh from James, just a soft puff of breath. "We'll send an owl," said James. "Give you a little time to adjust, give us time to settle in at Sirius' flat."
Remus stared steadfastly at the ground and gave a short nod. He prayed for James to just leave - his world was crumbling at the news the three of them were moving in together. Didn't Lily have parents to disapprove of such wickedness? When James finally moved his feet and began to shuffle off, Remus gulped air into his lungs and dug ruthless fingers into the earth to steady himself.
~*~
Once school was officially over, the awkward train ride to London endured, and good-byes and promises of keeping in touch made at King's Cross - Remus meeting none of their eyes as his mouth uttered words he hoped were sincere - he returned to his parents house in Kent to decide what to do with his life.
Warbling out of the small radio in his mother's kitchen was a familiar song - Oh, the factories may be roaring, With a boom-a-lacka, zoom-a-lacka, wee, But there isn't any roar when the clock strikes four, Everything stops for tea - tinny and hollow to Remus' ears despite its lightheartedness. He was developing a keen hatred for James Baldry and his music, a thoroughly depressing reminder of Sirius listening to the man's lovelorn songs as he pined for what he didn't have.
Remus' mother hummed along to the music as she chopped vegetables for stew and Remus ground his teeth to endure the scraping of notes on his spinal chord. The song finally ended followed by an advertisement lauding the praises of Marmite and she turned to prattling on about the village gossip. Remus tuned her out; his mind wandered back to the railway station and the way Sirius had looked at him. Remus had the familiar feeling there was something unspoken and unexplored between them, despite the fact that everything had changed. He hated feeling so confused and unable to sort out the facts into something that made sense. If there had been something between he and Sirius then why the pining after James? He could make no sense of it and only gave himself a headache, and eventually turned his thoughts to what he would do with his life now that it was his to command.
That, however, was a decision which was made for him. A few days after the end of the term, his parents received an unexpected visitor in the form of his former Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. Dumbledore had done much for his parents, and for Remus too, and while it was never suggested so crudely, debts must be paid.
Remus' parents were all too aware of the war, a war that would see men and women like their son put down like rabid dogs. The irony of it all was that it was his very condition which made Remus useful to Dumbledore - he was uniquely suited to perform a task for an organization Dumbledore was forming, a resistance movement, something he called the Order of the Phoenix.
It was not the werewolves who were already committed in servitude to Voldemort that Dumbledore was interested in - it was the ones as yet undiscovered by the Dark Lord's horde, those not yet approached with lies of equality and better treatment under a new regime. As Dumbledore explained what he wanted, Remus saw the obvious flaw in the plan.
"Sir, if I may," said Remus politely. "If they haven't already been discovered by the Death Eaters and are not registered with the Ministry, how am I supposed to find them?" Dumbledore smiled serenely at Remus and in that smile Remus realized the man was hiding a lot of painstaking work that he, Remus, would have to perform.
"What does a werewolf who wishes to remain undetected require?" asked Dumbledore. "If he or she has managed to avoid registration with the Ministry, how would they go about remaining so?"
Remus knew very well how they managed it, knew how he had managed it, thanks to his parents moving from the village to an out of the way farmstead where secrets could be kept - where he could transform, locked up and chained, where his howls couldn't be heard for miles.
"You are setting for me a nearly impossible task," said Remus. "They'll be in the countryside, on small farms like this one, as far away from the villages as possible."
"It will be difficult," agreed Dumbledore, "but not impossible. It is important we get to them before the Death Eaters do."
"Of course, sir," said Remus, and chanced a look at his parents. What he found on their faces was relief, and for a moment this confused him, until he realized Dumbledore's request would keep him out of the fighting. Remus knew Sirius, James, Lily, and Peter would be approached as well, perhaps already had been, and instead of hunting werewolves that did not wish to be found, they would be facing off with Death Eaters that did.
It made the ache of loneliness for his friends much more acute, standing the realization he might not see them again into stark relief against the selfishness of his choice. Now that he had been away from them for a short time he found himself wondering at the pain he had felt, if it had really been so bad it required abandoning his friends altogether. These were the same friends that went against the law to become Animagi for him, that were his constant companions for seven years, and while there may have been mishaps, such as the incident with Snape, they had been loyal to the last.
While Dumbledore shook his hand and called him a "good lad" and bid his parents a lovely afternoon, the weight of guilt settled over Remus. The jealousy and anger were still there, but he told himself he was being small and petty, and that in a life like his, one already so filled with pain and loneliness, he had been the worst sort of fool.
~*~
Though he had very little hope for success in the task set before him, Remus set about it with diligence and determination. He and his father spread maps across the dining room table, gathered population statistics, cross referenced sparsely populated counties with the location of the forests around England, and in the end decided on Northumberland. The relative poverty of the county - though perhaps an unreliable statistic as it was likely based on Muggles only - suggested at least that this was probably a good place to begin his search.
During his time of preparation, the owls from James, Lily and Sirius continued to arrive with regularity, always containing an invite to please come see them, entreating him with how they missed him. Peter wrote as well, though not with as much frequency, and commented in every letter he understood the relationship their friends shared was unusual, but that it was no reason to be so standoffish. Remus missed his friends terribly, missed the easy way things used to be. Though his head continued to tell him he was a fool, his heart knew the pain would be nearly unendurable. It was one thing to know James and Sirius were having it off because they were teenagers and horny, and something quite different to know love had entered the equation, creating a commitment to each other.
Once he was ready to set off, shortly after the full moon had passed, Remus' father pulled him aside and gave him a small purse of money for his expenses. Most of it was from Dumbledore, his father explained, though a small bit was added from his parents' coffers. Remus thanked them both, hugged his mother - assuring her he would be alright - and left for Northumberland.
In the weeks that passed Remus scoured lonely farms far away from the villages and homes set in or close to the forest. There was no actual way to tell a human who was also a werewolf from a human who wasn't, but a certain skittishness could be expected, a particular sort of astonishing poverty to a person, a home or farm that was dilapidated, neglected, and in need of care. It was a difficult thing to make a living as a werewolf, to hold onto a job, when once a month, every month, excuses must be made for absences at work.
He also spent time in the small villages, asking questions about peculiar sounds coming from the countryside. He received a lot of strange looks and amused smirks for his trouble, especially at the cheap boarding house where he spent his nights on a hard, unforgiving bed. He'd searched a month in the country and forests and had nothing to show for it. The moon was approaching full once again and he would need to return home in order to transform in safety. He was exhausted and frustrated and though he dreaded the full, he looked forward to a few days in a soft bed and his mother's cooking.
Before he made the return trip to Kent, Remus stopped in the small village of Rothbury for a pint. In the small low-lit pub Remus expected the looks of recognition marking him as the young man with the queer obsession with howls in the forests and countryside. What he did not expect to see was a flash of familiar green eyes and flaming red hair.
Remus could not fathom what Lily was doing in this part of the country, and in this tiny village in particular, but he did know he didn't want to be discovered. He sat at the bar and ducked his head low so he might avoid being spotted by her, but like everything else on this trip, he was completely out of luck. As she made her way across the pub the music changed and Remus knew in that moment - with James Baldry marking his every move it seemed - the universe well and truly hated him.
"Remus," said Lily warmly as she approached, taking the seat beside him at the bar. "Oh, Remus, we've missed you! How are your parents? Is your mother still ill?"
Remus blinked a few times. His mother was fine. He was about to correct her when he was hit with the realization James and Sirius were feeding her lies about why he hadn't come around. Oh, what a tangled web, thought Remus. James and Sirius thought Remus' issue was simple disapproval and were keeping it from Lily and he, well, he was lying to all of them, wasn't he? In most of his letters he said his parents needed him, though he was quite vague about what they needed him for. It was difficult to meet her eyes, and that feeling of jealousy enshrouded in guilt filled his chest. He reminded himself quite sternly that Lily was a friend, had been nothing but kind to him over the years, and that his petty jealousy did nothing but make a fool of him.
"She's about the same," said Remus evasively. It was true enough, though it made him complicit in James and Sirius' lies.
"What are you doing here?" she asked, and then waved the barkeep over and ordered an ale.
"I've got orders from Dumbledore," he replied. "But I could ask the same of you."
Lily nodded to acknowledge his statement. "I heard at the last meeting Dumbledore had recruited you as well. It's awful you have to leave your mother when she's so ill, but I suppose the war isn't going to wait, is it?" The barkeep placed the ale in front of her and took her money. Lily took a long sip and Remus noticed she looked particularly tired. "I've been," began Lily, but then lowered her voice with a look around the pub. "There's been activity reported around in this county. I've been trying to get leads on what could possibly be going on, but, well - there is nothing here really."
Except the possibility of werewolves, thought Remus, as he sipped at his own ale. "I think they are looking for others like me, the ones who have managed to keep their condition quiet."
Lily nodded again and took another sip of her ale. There were was something drawn about her expression, weary, and, despite the emotions warring within him, Remus worried for her.
"I suppose the chase gets tiring, doesn't it?" he said kindly, and smiled at her, surprised it was genuine.
"Actually, it's a bit of a relief to get out of Sirius' flat," she replied. Her cheeks flushed lightly, probably at the memory of Remus' discovery, but there was also an edge to her voice and something sharp glinted in her green eyes.
"Pardon?" asked Remus.
"Never mind," she said softly, and then added. "It is important but tiring work we do, and we always seem to be two steps behind."
"Indeed, we do," agreed Remus, wondering if her statement had been a slip of some sort and wished he could decipher it. "Indeed, we do."
~*~
Once the full had passed, Remus returned to Northumberland to continue his search. Lily's information about Death Eaters in the county confirmed his belief there were indeed werewolves hiding in the forests and countryside, and was determined to at least find one. At the end of the month, however, his searches proved equally fruitless and the moon was nearing full again; he would have to return home.
Before returning to Kent, Remus Apparated to London to pay a visit to Diagon Alley. There were a few things he needed to pick up for his care after the full and had already put it off for too long. He hurried through the Leaky Cauldron, paranoid he would run into Sirius or James having a pint, and to the brick wall at the back. Once he was on Diagon Alley he made straight for the apothecary, purchased his supplies with haste and turned to the door, fully intending to Apparate from the lane directly to his parents farm.
What he found when he opened the door, however, was Sirius, arms folded across his chest and his legs parted in a determined stance, the scowl on his face turning the corners of his mouth deeply down.
"Remus," said Sirius, his voice an irritated growl.
The bags Remus carried his purchases in swung from his fingers as he stared at Sirius, who looked just as gorgeous as ever despite that he was clearly annoyed. It was strange, Remus found, with Lily he had to fight against his jealousy, and with James he had to clench his jaw against irrational anger, but Sirius was only a welcome sight. Remus had missed him so very much, and right now, at this moment, thought he would accept anything, if only to spend time in this man's company. He was hopelessly in love, a besotted fool, and in the face of the menacing scowl, Remus gave Sirius a smile.
"Sirius," said Remus. "How have you been?"
"Seven years of friendship," said Sirius, ignoring the question. "We never judged you, Remus, and yet at the first sign of something you can't handle, you abandon me. I just don't understand."
Remus cast his eyes to the ground, ashamed of himself for his pettiness, ashamed he had hurt Sirius. "I'm sorry, Sirius," he said. "It isn't what you think; I wish I could explain but I can't."
Remus lifted his eyes to Sirius to find the man's expression had softened. Sirius let out a small breath, a little sigh of frustration, and then reached his hand out, sliding his fingers over the bones in Remus' wrist.
"Why, Remus?" asked Sirius, stepping forward. "Why can't you tell me? I've spoken to Lily, I know what you're doing for the Order - what could there be so bad you can't tell me?"
Though Remus frowned at the mention of Lily's name, the warm fingers wrapped around his wrist made his pulse jump frantically. Sirius took another step forward and Remus breathed him in, could detect the scent that was uniquely Sirius, a heady mixture of lavender and sage, magic and musky male.
"Sirius," said Remus softly, and looked away for fear all his vulnerability would show naked on his face. "I can't; I'm sorry. I just can't."
The fingers around his wrist gripped a little tighter, and Sirius leaned in close to Remus' ear. "I've missed you, Moony, and I worry about you."
"I miss you, too, Sirius." Remus closed his eyes. "You have no idea how much."
They stood there for a moment, Sirius so close to Remus their chests nearly touched, Sirius' fingers still wrapped around Remus' wrist, and neither of them cared how intimate they must look to all the passersby. He hadn't been wrong, he was sure of it now, sure in the ache in Sirius' eyes, the ache which matched his own. Why hadn't they pursued this? How had everything gone so wrong?
"Come have an ale with me at least," said Sirius at last, softly, breaking the spell that had held them both. There was a slight pleading to his tone and Remus could only nod.
Sirius slowly let loose of Remus' wrist, reluctant to do so it seemed, and they walked to the Leaky Cauldron together in companionable silence. Once inside, they found a table in the back under the stairwell, and Sirius ordered two ales and two shots of whiskey from Tom the barkeep.
"Can you tell me how your hunt is going?" said Sirius. He lifted the shot of whiskey to his mouth and tipped his head, curling his lips at the taste and breathing out a short, harsh breath.
"Not very well, actually," said Remus, disappointed they were now going to talk shop. They had just had this moment in the street, a moment Remus had been waiting years for, and now this? He knew one of Sirius' most intrinsic qualities was his sense of loyalty, but was he really going to ignore what had just transpired between them because of James and Lily? Remus picked up his own shot of whiskey and drank it all in one bitter swallow, hoping for a little strength to get through this without ruining any chance he might still have. "What about you? Can you tell me what you're doing?"
"It all has to do with my family," said Sirius quietly, his eyes flashing around the pub to see who might be listening in. "Dumbledore thinks I can insinuate myself back into the fold, as it were - supply the Order with fresh, new Black family secrets. I've already told them everything I know, which is all old news." Sirius took a swig of his ale, draining half the tankard in one go. Remus could tell he was agitated by the work he was doing for the Order. Sirius hated his family, and while he certainly knew how to comport himself in the upper echelons of wizarding society, Remus knew he loathed having to spend any time among his bigoted relatives.
"I'm sorry, Sirius," said Remus sincerely. "Are you having any luck with it?"
"No." Sirius finished off the last half of his ale and signaled Tom for another. "I am having no luck whatsoever. Regulus found out I was living with James and Lily, found out everything actually, which I didn't know. I walked right into an ambush."
"Oh, god, were you hurt?" asked Remus. He remembered his worries from two months earlier, that his friends would be on the front line while he was out wasting time and energy looking for werewolves.
"No, no," said Sirius. He gave Remus a grim smile. "Not that kind of ambush. I went to have tea with Mother." Remus nearly groaned as he listened sympathetically. Oh, how he hated Sirius' mother and the damage she had inflicted. "She wanted to know if I was so interested in returning to the family, to upholding pureblood values, to resuming my place as the Heir, then why was I in a relationship with a Muggleborn and a man. It was excruciating - she never simply comes out and says what she has to say. Everything is a game of cat and mouse, letting me think I was succeeding before springing the trap. It was humiliating." Sirius shot back his second whiskey and started in on the ale. "She even knew things weren't going so well, knew about all the fights."
Remus glanced at Sirius with a questioning raise of one brow. "Fights?"
"I think it's just adjusting, you know," said Sirius, and took a draft of his ale. "I'm sure it will all smooth over with time." The doubt in his words did not escape Remus - he himself had a lot of skepticism about this trio working at all and didn't think a little time would make James any less impatient, Sirius any less arrogant, or Lily any less self-righteous. In his estimation it had been a recipe for disaster right from the start. Remus also noticed the more Sirius talked about his troubles, the more he drank, as yet another ale and whiskey shot were ordered.
"I'm sorry, Remus," Sirius went on, "I know you don't approve and probably don't want to hear about this." Sirius knocked back what was his third shot and Remus knew the man must be well on his way to drunk by now. It was amazing Sirius wasn't slurring his words.
"Maybe it wasn't meant to be," suggested Remus. He let the statement stand on its own and took a sip of his ale.
Sirius leaned across the table and parted his lips to say something, but then hesitated. Remus watched as Sirius looked down at the table for a moment and took a breath, then looked back up at Remus. "You know," he began, speaking slowly like he was weighing every word. "There was a time I had hoped-" Sirius paused and took another breath. "God, I don't think I'd say this if I weren't drunk, but there was a time I had hoped you might give me a go."
Remus held his breath, unsure what to say or if he should just let Sirius go on speaking. If there was ever a moment this was it and he didn't want to handle it wrong. He felt the uncertain crush of doubt in his heart, and just hoped his words were the right ones. "When was this, Sirius? I don't recall you ever seeming interested in me."
Sirius sat back and let out a sigh. "That's because it was right before that- what I did, with Snape. After that I knew I'd never have a chance," said Sirius, remorse heavy in his tone. Then he added more softly, "I think we would have been good together."
Remus closed his eyes as all the pieces fell in to place, the longing looks without any sort of pursuit, the moments he had felt he and Sirius were close to something which never materialized. It made sense now. What a mess this was. He had never thought he had a chance with Sirius because of James, and Sirius thought he had blown his opportunity with the prank on Snape. And now - now Sirius was in a relationship he was unlikely to let himself out of because of a misplaced sense of loyalty. Remus could weep for all the mistakes that had been made, all the faulty assumptions. He had long since forgiven Sirius, knew it was a moment of rash impetuosity Sirius deeply regretted.
"I think we would have been great together," said Remus, looking directly at Sirius. "I still think we would be great together."
"It's too late now, though, isn't it," said Sirius sadly. "I can't leave James and Lily. He's my best mate, Remus, he'd never forgive me. He loves me, you know? I think - I think he's in love with me, but I'm no longer sure I ever felt it. It's not the same, you know. It's a different kind of love."
"Are you happy, Sirius?" asked Remus. "Because if you're not-"
"It doesn't matter, Remus," said Sirius, cutting him off. "I have to make it work somehow."
"I love you," said Remus abruptly, throwing all his cards on the table. "I love you, and I have loved you for years and the prank doesn't matter to me, and your stupid loyalty doesn't matter to me, because we would be happy together and you're just - you're throwing it away. People break up, Sirius, and if James was ever your friend, he would understand."
"I love you, too," said Sirius. His voice was so soft Remus almost didn't catch it. "I wish things were different, but they're not. I'm sorry, Remus, you don't know how sorry I am." Then even softer, as though to himself, Sirius added, "I'm stuck now."
Remus couldn't listen to this anymore. Everything he had ever wanted was right here and all Sirius had to do was make the right choice and wouldn't because of James. Why did James always get everything he wanted when it came to Sirius? Remus finished off his ale in one angry gulp that almost choked him as it went down. He slammed the tankard back on the table and rose to leave.
"Apparently you're not sorry enough to make any changes in your bloody life," he said angrily. Remus took a deep breath, and then realized he had nothing to lose by laying it all out on the line. "You want to be miserable so James gets everything he wants from you just like always, then fine, but you aren't the only one who is unhappy."
"Remus, please don't-"
"Be quiet," said Remus sharply. Sirius sat back, shocked at the fury in Remus' tone. "I ran into Lily a month back in a pub in Rothbury. She looked miserable and she told me going on assignment was a relief because it got her out of the flat she shares with you and James. Whatever is happening between the three of you, two of you feel wretched. But go on, Sirius, tell yourself you're stuck and tell me you love me but you're so bloody sorry. It's obviously not working but, by all means, don't stop since it's what James bloody Potter wants from the both of you."
Sirius dropped his eyes to the table and Remus just wanted to throttle him.
"It's your life, Sirius," he said softly. "Quit living it for someone else."
~*~
The next three months passed much the same as the previous two. Remus moved on from Northumberland, but kept his searching close to the villages and farms near or in the forested regions. His luck finding werewolves hadn't changed - he needed to be in the area during the full, but of course that was impossible. His own monthly ordeal prevented that, and had never been more frustrating for him.
When he returned home to transform there were always more letters, though there were less and less of them each month. Peter wrote to ask how Remus fared and how his missions were going. Remus returned his letters honestly and with great length and detail, asking after Peter's life and if his family was well.
Lily wrote to invite him to dinner - almost begging in fact - and Remus had to wonder if she thought his presence would ease tensions between herself, James, and Sirius. Remus returned her letters with kind thanks for the invitation, but that between his mother and his order duties he couldn't possibly make it.
James wrote to invite him to the pub with himself, Sirius, and Peter. Remus wrote short return letters to James, though he could never manage a thank you for the invitation. He did feel a modicum of guilt, but never enough to change the wording in his missive.
Sirius' letters were the hardest of all. In every letter he told Remus he loved him; in every letter he said how sorry he was; in every letter he begged Remus to understand the position he was in. Remus stored them carefully in a drawer in his bureau but, because he couldn't think of anything to say, he never returned Sirius' letters.
There was one other person Remus received correspondence from and that was his former Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. The Order of the Phoenix held regular meetings to discuss the resistance effort and Dumbledore wrote to inform of where and when the meetings were held. Remus couldn't bear the thought of being trapped in the same room with James, Lily, and Sirius, so he wrote of his efforts, where he had gone, what he had observed, and that he was simply unable to attend.
After yet another month passed with no more success than before and the moon approached full, it was time again to return home. Remus tried not to think about how lonely he was without his friends, tried not to think how much easier his transformations would be with Wormtail, Prongs, and, most of all, Padfoot. Not only was the wolf easier to handle and his transformations more manageable, but afterwards Sirius had always taken such care with his fresh wounds, had looked after him with such dedication. He now knew there was more to it, that this had been love in action, that Sirius had shown his affection in the only way he thought he could.
His mother and father took care of him, of course, but it wasn't the same as when Sirius tended to him. Not only was Sirius more thorough and far gentler with him, but he never let Remus come close to running out of supplies. Remus waited until he was nearly out of tincture of dittany, gauze and wraps for bandages. At the last full he had run completely out of his potion for pain and had paid the price dearly.
Remus refused to chance another run in with Sirius on Diagon Alley, so instead he Apparated to Scotland, to Hogsmeade, where he could get the same supplies, though at a slightly higher cost. He walked up High Street at a brisk pace because it would be just his luck to run into James or Lily or, even worse, Sirius. He feared what he might say to James, that his words might render their friendship irreparable, and strange though it seemed to him, he did have a hope of rekindling what he once had with all his friends. Now more than ever he had reason to believe the relationship between Sirius, James, and Lily was ultimately unsustainable. Perhaps he was being too idealistic, but he could hope.
The street on which the apothecary was located was at the next turn and Remus increased his pace. He felt an urgency to get in and get out before he ran into someone he knew. Just as he gained the street and was about to turn the corner a familiar voice called out his name. Remus' heart sank, but at least it wasn't as bad as he had feared. He turned and plastered on a smile for Peter who was hurrying down the street, waving at Remus and smiling.
"Wormtail," said Remus warmly. It had been months since he had seen Peter, and just like all his other friends, Remus had missed Peter as well.
"Moony, old man!" said Peter, and embraced Remus in a quick, masculine hug. "It is terribly good to see you. I believe it's been six months since I laid eyes on you."
Remus smiled down at Peter, and was struck by how very much the same he seemed. Not just that his face hadn't matured much - it had only been six months after all - or that he wasn't still a bit pudgy but, unlike Sirius and Lily, Peter didn't have that hangdog, haggard look to him. There was no tension or worry in his face, he just seemed to be the same old Peter.
"You're looking well," said Remus. "Same as ever."
"Oh, well," said Peter with a slight grin, but then he sobered a bit. Remus thought Peter would remark on how troubled he looked, but instead Peter fixed the grin back into place. "Let's have a pint, shall we?"
Remus paused. He looked down the street he was meant to turn on and saw the sign for the apothecary and then turned to look towards The Three Broomsticks. A stop in the pub meant staying longer in a village where he might run into James, Lily, or Sirius. But the familiar and friendly face of Peter was a reminder of happier times in his life, tempting him with an escape from his months of loneliness.
"I've come for a few things," said Remus. "Allow me to make my purchases and I'll meet you at the pub."
"I'll get us a table, and the first round is on me," said Peter with a grin. Remus watched with an amused smile as Peter fairly skipped down High Street towards The Three Broomsticks.
"Get one near the back," called out Remus. It was an afterthought, but if Sirius, James or Lily were to pass by and look in they would be sure to stop. Peter raised his hand to wave an acknowledgement.
Fifteen minutes later, purchases in hand, Remus entered the pub and looked around for Peter. Just as requested, Peter had found a table to the back. Remus made his way through the crowded pub and sat across from Peter.
"Like old times, isn't it?" said Peter. "I mean it's not our table, but…"
Remus knew what he meant and gave Peter a small nod. The Marauders, as they liked to call themselves, had a table where they always sat. James and Sirius liked to say it would always be their table, that long after school was over they would still meet up and sit at that very table, flirt with Rosmerta, and get thoroughly stonked.
"Things change I suppose," said Remus, and took a sip of his ale to hide the sadness.
"I suppose they do, at that," said Peter. For the first time Remus noticed the same sadness reflected on Peter's face. "I miss those times. Everything was so much simpler."
"I do, too," replied Remus quietly. He needed to change the subject and, though he knew it was abrupt, at that moment couldn't care less. "Tell me how you've been, Wormtail."
"Not as busy as some," said Peter, shifting his eyes away. Remus detected a slight note of bitterness which he found puzzling. "I've never been quite as talented as James or Sirius or Lily or you. I don't get the interesting assignments."
"Interesting," said Remus with a snort. "Maybe the others do, but all I'm doing is-" he lowered his voice a bit, "all I'm doing is tracking down werewolves that can't be found. Complete waste of time if you ask me."
"So you haven't had any luck?" asked Peter. He took a sip of his ale and leaned forward a bit. "I mean Dumbledore believes they are out there."
"If they are, they're doing a damn fine job of hiding," replied Remus, not even bothering to hide his frustration.
"Lily was sent to Northumberland because apparently there was Death Eater activity in the area. Have you looked there? The word is that is the most likely county for them to be hiding in."
"I thought so as well," said Remus, wondering who Peter had been speaking to about werewolves. "That's where I started; spent two fruitless months scouring the forests and countryside. If they're there, they are the cleverest werewolves in England. I'm starting to believe there are no unregistered werewolves."
"Besides you, you mean," said Peter shrewdly. "If you could do it, surely others could."
"One would think," replied Remus. "But I've been giving it a lot of thought and a lot of research. Did you know there were orphanages for bitten children? My parents refused to let go of the hope for a cure, but many families simply give up."
"Orphanages, really," said Peter. "I never realized."
"Nor did I," said Remus. "My parents never told me of their existence until recently. I knew I was lucky to attend Hogwarts, but I never knew how fortunate I was to have parents that loved me as much as mine did."
"Where are these orphanages located?" asked Peter. "Have you visited them yet?"
"Not yet," said Remus. "There are three I am aware of and I only have a few vague hints as to their location. There is supposed to be one outside of Swindon, one outside of Bedford, and the last outside of Sheffield; I'll have to do some searching to find them. My father says they are well protected by spells and enchantments for the children's safety. The full is tomorrow night, but after I plan to try and find them all. If I can plot on a map where these children were bitten, detect some sort of pattern, maybe it will help me find the others. If I'm even allowed to speak to them."
"That's quite clever," said Peter. "Good luck; I hope you're successful."
Remus tipped his tankard to Peter in thanks and took a swallow. "I hope I am as well, because I am starting to get very frustrated."
Remus expected Peter to say something, but he fell quiet. He took another drink of his ale, his brow furrowed in what Remus recognized as Peter summoning his courage to speak his mind.
"Moony… I heard from Prongs and Padfoot you haven't been around because you don't approve of their… situation… but--" Peter paused. "Remus, they're your friends, we were all friends, and you've obviously been busy with Order work, but they need you."
"Peter-"
"Hear me out, M-Remus," said Peter. "Their relationship, it's tearing them apart. Maybe if you talked to them, you could help them sort out their differences. You were always the level headed one, maybe you can help them figure how to work it out."
Remus resisted the urge to spit out an angry 'No!' Instead he took a sip of his ale to gather his thoughts. "I think it's for them to sort out."
"How can you-" said Peter. He tightened his grip on his tankard. "Don't you care at all? We were friends, they did a lot for you at school."
"I care more than you could possibly know," said Remus. "But this is for them to resolve, and that is the last thing I'm going to say on the subject."
Peter shook his head. "You really have changed. You were the last person I would ever think would abandon their friends."
"It's been lovely catching up," said Remus, stung by the accusation. It brought guilt bubbling up unpleasantly, his stomach soured because he found truth in Peter's words. He rose from his seat, feeling the familiar loneliness settle in his bones as he prepared to leave, packages in hand. "Take care of yourself, Wormtail."
"It's James and Sirius, Padfoot and Prongs," said Peter, rising with him. He put his hand on Remus' arm. "Please, Remus."
"Goodbye, Peter." Remus pulled his arm away roughly and walked out of the pub on shaking legs.
Part 2
ceredwensiriusWritten For: R/S Games
Team: Team AU
Title: Anatomy of a Wound
Pairings: James/Sirius/Lily, Remus/Sirius
Rating: R for language and sexual situations
Warnings: Very abusive language, minor character death, threesome sex (not shown), James/Sirius/Lily, infidelity
Genre(s): Angst
Word Count: ~27,000
Summary: A story about mistakes in love and war.
Prompt: 41
Notes: Thank you mods for putting on such a fantastic fest once again! And also thank you
dogsunderfoot for the amazing beta work! Liberties taken with the location of England's forests. I did my research but I still may have gotten something wildly wrong.The day Remus Lupin had his heart broken, the skies were a beautiful, cloudless, sunny lie, McCartney's voice from Remus' ancient, battered Victrola urged him to 'let it be', and war was thrumming in the blood of every witch and wizard in Britain. Remus stood outside the door to the seventh year boy's dormitory and smiled because the Beatles meant Sirius was inside and probably in a good mood. It had been some time since the old Victrola had played anything outside of Remus' John Baldry albums. In particular "Let The Heartache Begin" as Sirius pined after James whose attention was now turned on Lily.
Remus hoped the Beatles heralded a change of heart for Sirius. There had been something, he thought, something desperately tentative between them, something secret hidden in smiles for one another, something fragile and precious. Remus had known Sirius loved James first, and had given up hope for a time that anything would develop between himself and Sirius. For James, though, it seemed to have merely been a stop on the way to wedding bells, roses by the garden gate, and babies crying in the night.
As Remus pushed open the door, his hope was pinned to seeing Sirius on his bed, head bobbing to the music and a smile on his face, his good mood once again restored. Remus hoped the pining and pouting was over and they could resume their small flirtations and follow it to a satisfactory conclusion. He was tired of waiting and tired of being alone.
One foot in the room and Remus realized how wrong he was. Sirius was on his bed, but he was not alone. He and James were on either side of Lily and they were-
"Oh, god, I'm sorry," stammered Remus. He should leave but his feet were frozen to the spot. How had this happened? Lily wasn't the sort of girl to go for such things; she was supposed to have been the catalyst, the thing which pushed Sirius toward Remus. This was completely wrong.
"Moony," said James. His voice was low, thickened on lust, and caused jealousy to cut through Remus like the bile burning his throat. It made his skin feel hot and close, made little beads of sweat to form on his brow, made his hands go clammy. Remus wanted to vomit, he wanted to flee, he wanted to do a lot of things other than simply gawk and stare. He was being rude, but he couldn't help it. All of his chances, all his hope, all his dreams had just disappeared, been snatched away from him by the two people in this world he had never wanted to hate.
But hate, or something closely akin to it, warred within him, stinging every nerve ending as he struggled to remember he loved James and Lily, that James was one of his best friends - a brother, that Lily was close as a sister. Perhaps if he had told someone - one of them, Lily at the very least - that he loved Sirius, that he had wanted Sirius since he was fourteen, this might not be happening.
"Sorry, Moony," said Sirius. He didn't meet Remus' eyes as he drew up a sheet to cover the blushing and stunned silent Lily. "We thought you'd be out with Wormtail doing last minute revisions for his Charms N.E.W.T."
Remus felt like screaming, or crying, or hexing them one and all, because the reasons for the apology were all wrong. It shouldn't be Sirius apologizing anyway, it should be Lily, for being greedy and not satisfied with just one. Why did she have to take them both? He loved Lily, though, she was his friend, she hadn't known, and guilt over feeling such animosity coated the jealousy, which only made him feel sicker.
"I - I'll just go," said Remus. His feet still wouldn't move; all he could do was stare and hurt and feel betrayed. He felt betrayed and knew it was irrational because nothing in this room had ever belonged to him, no matter how much he may have wanted it. Everything in this room had always belonged to James, even himself after a fashion. He had never stood a chance against James, not in all the years James and Sirius had made sexual mischief with one another.
This was more than mere mischief, though; Lily's very presence confirmed that. This simply wasn't the sort of girl she was - incapable of giving herself, her body, without emotional attachment, without love. Whatever this was, however it had developed, Remus knew it wasn't a fleeting thing.
"Remus, are you alright?" asked Lily. "You don't look so well." Her voice was small, an acknowledgment that she had just been caught with her knickers down and in bed with two boys. And yet she rose above her own discomfort and worried over the welfare of her friend. Remus' guilt thickened, catching in his throat, and for a moment he couldn't find his breath.
"I'm fine," said Remus, aware that his voice was shaking. He took a step back and had to brace himself on the door. The strength in his knees threatened to fail as they wobbled and shook, and he feared he might fall. "I'm fine," he repeated.
He was made of sterner stuff than this, he reminded himself; he was no wilting flower to be ripped from the soil. Every month he withstood the ravages of dark magic on his body - pain was as familiar to him as breathing - and he would withstand this, too.
"Excuse the interruption," said Remus, and pulled the door closed. He couldn't, at the moment, determine what those looks, those moments, between himself and Sirius had ever meant. Maybe it had been wishful thinking, all of it, the product of an imagination that wanted something so badly he'd made truth out of daydreams.
It was James who caught up to Remus first, Remus who had been doing his best to avoid all three of them, and due to the circumstances, they let him. It was not, after all, a regular occurrence that one happened upon three people involved in a hot and sweaty entanglement in one's dormitory. The embarrassment that was surely felt by all three of them, Lily most of all, created a cushion between them, allowing them to maintain a separate peace without the need for explanations as to why.
N.E.W.T.s had come and gone, and the end of the term, the end of their careers as students, was fast upon them. There would be no return to the carefree folly of students come September. The real world beckoned and the war that colored its every inch.
"Moony," called James from across the grounds. Remus grit his teeth and then plastered on a smile and waved in return. James jogged over and sat beside him and for a moment there was silence, awkward, and it stretched on until Remus cleared his throat.
"I'm sorry for barging in," said Remus. There were never truer words spoken; he wished he could go his whole life without knowing; he wished he didn't have equal measures of love and hate, guilt and jealousy, all twisting in a messy tangle in his heart.
James nodded and was quiet for a moment more, his lips pursed and his brow furrowed. Remus knew an explanation was forthcoming. If there was a way to stop James from speaking a single word about it he would, but as close as they all were, an explanation was the expected action.
"I told Lily," James began, "about Sirius and me. I wanted her for so long, but I realized there was something missing, that Sirius was missing, so I told her about all those years of messing about."
Remus couldn't look at James; neither could he speak because his tongue lay thick and dry in his mouth, his throat constricted by his volatile, contradictory emotions.
"She was furious at first, you know, that I hadn't told her," continued James. "I had to tell her that while I was dating her, I was shagging Sirius, and she was, well, she was very hurt."
Remus was surprised by both the admission and that James had said anything at all to jeopardize his relationship with Lily. The lurching of his stomach was due to the realization of just how much Sirius meant to James, how much he actually cared, that it wasn't just mischief, that Remus had always misinterpreted James' intentions.
"I didn't know I would miss him so much, and I couldn't have a lie like that between Lily and me," James went on. "She broke it off with me and told me she never wanted to see me again."
Remus remembered a fight Lily and James had had a few days prior to discovering them all in bed together, but assumed it had been nothing more serious than the usual tiffs they tended to find themselves in. Two young and headstrong people that had butted heads for years were bound to have the occasional squabble.
"It was Sirius, believe it or not, who set things right. He went and talked to her and when he was done, well…"
Remus nodded, though he could scarcely agree things had been set right. Things were completely, utterly, and incontrovertibly wrong. They could have paired off two by two and all been happy. A small part of him wondered if Sirius was giving James everything and anything he wanted just like always. He didn't understand how three people could love each other without one of them feeling slighted, and he didn't, couldn't, wish them well. He wanted the dynamics to explode, for Sirius to break off because James paid more attention to Lily. Sirius always needed to be the center of everything and only he, Remus, could have given him that. Not James, who was just as egotistical as Sirius, and not Lily, who was unused to having two men in her life. Remus sat beside his friend and wished his relationships ill and felt like an absolute worm because of it.
"It's a bit awkward for all of us," said James when Remus didn't add anything to the conversation. "I know it's a bit… unconventional, and we're sorry you walked in on that. It's just, we're all friends, Moony, and I hope you don't think differently of us. You're one of us, you know. You always will be. This doesn't change anything."
Remus could weep for how much everything had changed, for how the great affection and esteem he had always held James in was now clouded by bitterness and jealousy. He couldn't shake the feeling that he and Sirius had been close to something, that given time it would have happened. In his heart, he felt that he was the better match for Sirius - James and Sirius were too much alike, too volatile together - but he, Remus, was the tether to Sirius' windblown kite.
He had no answer to give, did not trust his mouth to make the words he should say. He could hear the lyrics of that damned James Baldry song echo in his mind like a taunt - so let the heartache begin, I can't help it, I can't win… - and understood why Sirius had played it over and over again if his heart felt anything like Remus' own did.
"It's just, I mean it's understandable, Remus, Moony, why you'd stay away like you have. It was embarrassing for us as well, but it's time to set things right, yeah?"
"Yeah, of course," said Remus finally. His voice sounded raw and unused to his ears, like he'd had sandpaper scratched down his windpipe or he was a thirty year veteran of the smoking habit. He couldn't look up at James for fear he would betray everything he was feeling in a single glance, that all of his emotional bile would be on display. It was hard enough to simply sit here and listen, to chant an endless mantra in his mind of 'James is my best friend, I adore Lily' over and over just to get through it.
"Good man," said James, and then clapped a hand on Remus' shoulder and gave a squeeze. Remus felt himself flinch away reflexively, like something filthy had touched him. He hadn't meant to, hadn't meant to give anything away; it had been automatic and uncontrollable. James paused, and Remus knew that James' eyes were searching for the cause, and that James would probably assume it was because Remus didn't approve of the relationship.
James let go of Remus' shoulder and straightened up. He stood beside Remus for a moment and there was a restless, uncertain current between them. Remus waited it out, his eyes never lifting up to James', his mouth never quirking up to a smile or a smirk or any of the possible cues he knew James was waiting for.
"I'm sorry this is affecting you like this, Remus," said James finally. "I'm not sure I completely understand. I know it's unusual, but even if you don't approve, even if you think we're making a mistake..."
"I can't explain it, James. Please don't ask me to."
There was a sigh from James, just a soft puff of breath. "We'll send an owl," said James. "Give you a little time to adjust, give us time to settle in at Sirius' flat."
Remus stared steadfastly at the ground and gave a short nod. He prayed for James to just leave - his world was crumbling at the news the three of them were moving in together. Didn't Lily have parents to disapprove of such wickedness? When James finally moved his feet and began to shuffle off, Remus gulped air into his lungs and dug ruthless fingers into the earth to steady himself.
Once school was officially over, the awkward train ride to London endured, and good-byes and promises of keeping in touch made at King's Cross - Remus meeting none of their eyes as his mouth uttered words he hoped were sincere - he returned to his parents house in Kent to decide what to do with his life.
Warbling out of the small radio in his mother's kitchen was a familiar song - Oh, the factories may be roaring, With a boom-a-lacka, zoom-a-lacka, wee, But there isn't any roar when the clock strikes four, Everything stops for tea - tinny and hollow to Remus' ears despite its lightheartedness. He was developing a keen hatred for James Baldry and his music, a thoroughly depressing reminder of Sirius listening to the man's lovelorn songs as he pined for what he didn't have.
Remus' mother hummed along to the music as she chopped vegetables for stew and Remus ground his teeth to endure the scraping of notes on his spinal chord. The song finally ended followed by an advertisement lauding the praises of Marmite and she turned to prattling on about the village gossip. Remus tuned her out; his mind wandered back to the railway station and the way Sirius had looked at him. Remus had the familiar feeling there was something unspoken and unexplored between them, despite the fact that everything had changed. He hated feeling so confused and unable to sort out the facts into something that made sense. If there had been something between he and Sirius then why the pining after James? He could make no sense of it and only gave himself a headache, and eventually turned his thoughts to what he would do with his life now that it was his to command.
That, however, was a decision which was made for him. A few days after the end of the term, his parents received an unexpected visitor in the form of his former Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. Dumbledore had done much for his parents, and for Remus too, and while it was never suggested so crudely, debts must be paid.
Remus' parents were all too aware of the war, a war that would see men and women like their son put down like rabid dogs. The irony of it all was that it was his very condition which made Remus useful to Dumbledore - he was uniquely suited to perform a task for an organization Dumbledore was forming, a resistance movement, something he called the Order of the Phoenix.
It was not the werewolves who were already committed in servitude to Voldemort that Dumbledore was interested in - it was the ones as yet undiscovered by the Dark Lord's horde, those not yet approached with lies of equality and better treatment under a new regime. As Dumbledore explained what he wanted, Remus saw the obvious flaw in the plan.
"Sir, if I may," said Remus politely. "If they haven't already been discovered by the Death Eaters and are not registered with the Ministry, how am I supposed to find them?" Dumbledore smiled serenely at Remus and in that smile Remus realized the man was hiding a lot of painstaking work that he, Remus, would have to perform.
"What does a werewolf who wishes to remain undetected require?" asked Dumbledore. "If he or she has managed to avoid registration with the Ministry, how would they go about remaining so?"
Remus knew very well how they managed it, knew how he had managed it, thanks to his parents moving from the village to an out of the way farmstead where secrets could be kept - where he could transform, locked up and chained, where his howls couldn't be heard for miles.
"You are setting for me a nearly impossible task," said Remus. "They'll be in the countryside, on small farms like this one, as far away from the villages as possible."
"It will be difficult," agreed Dumbledore, "but not impossible. It is important we get to them before the Death Eaters do."
"Of course, sir," said Remus, and chanced a look at his parents. What he found on their faces was relief, and for a moment this confused him, until he realized Dumbledore's request would keep him out of the fighting. Remus knew Sirius, James, Lily, and Peter would be approached as well, perhaps already had been, and instead of hunting werewolves that did not wish to be found, they would be facing off with Death Eaters that did.
It made the ache of loneliness for his friends much more acute, standing the realization he might not see them again into stark relief against the selfishness of his choice. Now that he had been away from them for a short time he found himself wondering at the pain he had felt, if it had really been so bad it required abandoning his friends altogether. These were the same friends that went against the law to become Animagi for him, that were his constant companions for seven years, and while there may have been mishaps, such as the incident with Snape, they had been loyal to the last.
While Dumbledore shook his hand and called him a "good lad" and bid his parents a lovely afternoon, the weight of guilt settled over Remus. The jealousy and anger were still there, but he told himself he was being small and petty, and that in a life like his, one already so filled with pain and loneliness, he had been the worst sort of fool.
Though he had very little hope for success in the task set before him, Remus set about it with diligence and determination. He and his father spread maps across the dining room table, gathered population statistics, cross referenced sparsely populated counties with the location of the forests around England, and in the end decided on Northumberland. The relative poverty of the county - though perhaps an unreliable statistic as it was likely based on Muggles only - suggested at least that this was probably a good place to begin his search.
During his time of preparation, the owls from James, Lily and Sirius continued to arrive with regularity, always containing an invite to please come see them, entreating him with how they missed him. Peter wrote as well, though not with as much frequency, and commented in every letter he understood the relationship their friends shared was unusual, but that it was no reason to be so standoffish. Remus missed his friends terribly, missed the easy way things used to be. Though his head continued to tell him he was a fool, his heart knew the pain would be nearly unendurable. It was one thing to know James and Sirius were having it off because they were teenagers and horny, and something quite different to know love had entered the equation, creating a commitment to each other.
Once he was ready to set off, shortly after the full moon had passed, Remus' father pulled him aside and gave him a small purse of money for his expenses. Most of it was from Dumbledore, his father explained, though a small bit was added from his parents' coffers. Remus thanked them both, hugged his mother - assuring her he would be alright - and left for Northumberland.
In the weeks that passed Remus scoured lonely farms far away from the villages and homes set in or close to the forest. There was no actual way to tell a human who was also a werewolf from a human who wasn't, but a certain skittishness could be expected, a particular sort of astonishing poverty to a person, a home or farm that was dilapidated, neglected, and in need of care. It was a difficult thing to make a living as a werewolf, to hold onto a job, when once a month, every month, excuses must be made for absences at work.
He also spent time in the small villages, asking questions about peculiar sounds coming from the countryside. He received a lot of strange looks and amused smirks for his trouble, especially at the cheap boarding house where he spent his nights on a hard, unforgiving bed. He'd searched a month in the country and forests and had nothing to show for it. The moon was approaching full once again and he would need to return home in order to transform in safety. He was exhausted and frustrated and though he dreaded the full, he looked forward to a few days in a soft bed and his mother's cooking.
Before he made the return trip to Kent, Remus stopped in the small village of Rothbury for a pint. In the small low-lit pub Remus expected the looks of recognition marking him as the young man with the queer obsession with howls in the forests and countryside. What he did not expect to see was a flash of familiar green eyes and flaming red hair.
Remus could not fathom what Lily was doing in this part of the country, and in this tiny village in particular, but he did know he didn't want to be discovered. He sat at the bar and ducked his head low so he might avoid being spotted by her, but like everything else on this trip, he was completely out of luck. As she made her way across the pub the music changed and Remus knew in that moment - with James Baldry marking his every move it seemed - the universe well and truly hated him.
"Remus," said Lily warmly as she approached, taking the seat beside him at the bar. "Oh, Remus, we've missed you! How are your parents? Is your mother still ill?"
Remus blinked a few times. His mother was fine. He was about to correct her when he was hit with the realization James and Sirius were feeding her lies about why he hadn't come around. Oh, what a tangled web, thought Remus. James and Sirius thought Remus' issue was simple disapproval and were keeping it from Lily and he, well, he was lying to all of them, wasn't he? In most of his letters he said his parents needed him, though he was quite vague about what they needed him for. It was difficult to meet her eyes, and that feeling of jealousy enshrouded in guilt filled his chest. He reminded himself quite sternly that Lily was a friend, had been nothing but kind to him over the years, and that his petty jealousy did nothing but make a fool of him.
"She's about the same," said Remus evasively. It was true enough, though it made him complicit in James and Sirius' lies.
"What are you doing here?" she asked, and then waved the barkeep over and ordered an ale.
"I've got orders from Dumbledore," he replied. "But I could ask the same of you."
Lily nodded to acknowledge his statement. "I heard at the last meeting Dumbledore had recruited you as well. It's awful you have to leave your mother when she's so ill, but I suppose the war isn't going to wait, is it?" The barkeep placed the ale in front of her and took her money. Lily took a long sip and Remus noticed she looked particularly tired. "I've been," began Lily, but then lowered her voice with a look around the pub. "There's been activity reported around in this county. I've been trying to get leads on what could possibly be going on, but, well - there is nothing here really."
Except the possibility of werewolves, thought Remus, as he sipped at his own ale. "I think they are looking for others like me, the ones who have managed to keep their condition quiet."
Lily nodded again and took another sip of her ale. There were was something drawn about her expression, weary, and, despite the emotions warring within him, Remus worried for her.
"I suppose the chase gets tiring, doesn't it?" he said kindly, and smiled at her, surprised it was genuine.
"Actually, it's a bit of a relief to get out of Sirius' flat," she replied. Her cheeks flushed lightly, probably at the memory of Remus' discovery, but there was also an edge to her voice and something sharp glinted in her green eyes.
"Pardon?" asked Remus.
"Never mind," she said softly, and then added. "It is important but tiring work we do, and we always seem to be two steps behind."
"Indeed, we do," agreed Remus, wondering if her statement had been a slip of some sort and wished he could decipher it. "Indeed, we do."
Once the full had passed, Remus returned to Northumberland to continue his search. Lily's information about Death Eaters in the county confirmed his belief there were indeed werewolves hiding in the forests and countryside, and was determined to at least find one. At the end of the month, however, his searches proved equally fruitless and the moon was nearing full again; he would have to return home.
Before returning to Kent, Remus Apparated to London to pay a visit to Diagon Alley. There were a few things he needed to pick up for his care after the full and had already put it off for too long. He hurried through the Leaky Cauldron, paranoid he would run into Sirius or James having a pint, and to the brick wall at the back. Once he was on Diagon Alley he made straight for the apothecary, purchased his supplies with haste and turned to the door, fully intending to Apparate from the lane directly to his parents farm.
What he found when he opened the door, however, was Sirius, arms folded across his chest and his legs parted in a determined stance, the scowl on his face turning the corners of his mouth deeply down.
"Remus," said Sirius, his voice an irritated growl.
The bags Remus carried his purchases in swung from his fingers as he stared at Sirius, who looked just as gorgeous as ever despite that he was clearly annoyed. It was strange, Remus found, with Lily he had to fight against his jealousy, and with James he had to clench his jaw against irrational anger, but Sirius was only a welcome sight. Remus had missed him so very much, and right now, at this moment, thought he would accept anything, if only to spend time in this man's company. He was hopelessly in love, a besotted fool, and in the face of the menacing scowl, Remus gave Sirius a smile.
"Sirius," said Remus. "How have you been?"
"Seven years of friendship," said Sirius, ignoring the question. "We never judged you, Remus, and yet at the first sign of something you can't handle, you abandon me. I just don't understand."
Remus cast his eyes to the ground, ashamed of himself for his pettiness, ashamed he had hurt Sirius. "I'm sorry, Sirius," he said. "It isn't what you think; I wish I could explain but I can't."
Remus lifted his eyes to Sirius to find the man's expression had softened. Sirius let out a small breath, a little sigh of frustration, and then reached his hand out, sliding his fingers over the bones in Remus' wrist.
"Why, Remus?" asked Sirius, stepping forward. "Why can't you tell me? I've spoken to Lily, I know what you're doing for the Order - what could there be so bad you can't tell me?"
Though Remus frowned at the mention of Lily's name, the warm fingers wrapped around his wrist made his pulse jump frantically. Sirius took another step forward and Remus breathed him in, could detect the scent that was uniquely Sirius, a heady mixture of lavender and sage, magic and musky male.
"Sirius," said Remus softly, and looked away for fear all his vulnerability would show naked on his face. "I can't; I'm sorry. I just can't."
The fingers around his wrist gripped a little tighter, and Sirius leaned in close to Remus' ear. "I've missed you, Moony, and I worry about you."
"I miss you, too, Sirius." Remus closed his eyes. "You have no idea how much."
They stood there for a moment, Sirius so close to Remus their chests nearly touched, Sirius' fingers still wrapped around Remus' wrist, and neither of them cared how intimate they must look to all the passersby. He hadn't been wrong, he was sure of it now, sure in the ache in Sirius' eyes, the ache which matched his own. Why hadn't they pursued this? How had everything gone so wrong?
"Come have an ale with me at least," said Sirius at last, softly, breaking the spell that had held them both. There was a slight pleading to his tone and Remus could only nod.
Sirius slowly let loose of Remus' wrist, reluctant to do so it seemed, and they walked to the Leaky Cauldron together in companionable silence. Once inside, they found a table in the back under the stairwell, and Sirius ordered two ales and two shots of whiskey from Tom the barkeep.
"Can you tell me how your hunt is going?" said Sirius. He lifted the shot of whiskey to his mouth and tipped his head, curling his lips at the taste and breathing out a short, harsh breath.
"Not very well, actually," said Remus, disappointed they were now going to talk shop. They had just had this moment in the street, a moment Remus had been waiting years for, and now this? He knew one of Sirius' most intrinsic qualities was his sense of loyalty, but was he really going to ignore what had just transpired between them because of James and Lily? Remus picked up his own shot of whiskey and drank it all in one bitter swallow, hoping for a little strength to get through this without ruining any chance he might still have. "What about you? Can you tell me what you're doing?"
"It all has to do with my family," said Sirius quietly, his eyes flashing around the pub to see who might be listening in. "Dumbledore thinks I can insinuate myself back into the fold, as it were - supply the Order with fresh, new Black family secrets. I've already told them everything I know, which is all old news." Sirius took a swig of his ale, draining half the tankard in one go. Remus could tell he was agitated by the work he was doing for the Order. Sirius hated his family, and while he certainly knew how to comport himself in the upper echelons of wizarding society, Remus knew he loathed having to spend any time among his bigoted relatives.
"I'm sorry, Sirius," said Remus sincerely. "Are you having any luck with it?"
"No." Sirius finished off the last half of his ale and signaled Tom for another. "I am having no luck whatsoever. Regulus found out I was living with James and Lily, found out everything actually, which I didn't know. I walked right into an ambush."
"Oh, god, were you hurt?" asked Remus. He remembered his worries from two months earlier, that his friends would be on the front line while he was out wasting time and energy looking for werewolves.
"No, no," said Sirius. He gave Remus a grim smile. "Not that kind of ambush. I went to have tea with Mother." Remus nearly groaned as he listened sympathetically. Oh, how he hated Sirius' mother and the damage she had inflicted. "She wanted to know if I was so interested in returning to the family, to upholding pureblood values, to resuming my place as the Heir, then why was I in a relationship with a Muggleborn and a man. It was excruciating - she never simply comes out and says what she has to say. Everything is a game of cat and mouse, letting me think I was succeeding before springing the trap. It was humiliating." Sirius shot back his second whiskey and started in on the ale. "She even knew things weren't going so well, knew about all the fights."
Remus glanced at Sirius with a questioning raise of one brow. "Fights?"
"I think it's just adjusting, you know," said Sirius, and took a draft of his ale. "I'm sure it will all smooth over with time." The doubt in his words did not escape Remus - he himself had a lot of skepticism about this trio working at all and didn't think a little time would make James any less impatient, Sirius any less arrogant, or Lily any less self-righteous. In his estimation it had been a recipe for disaster right from the start. Remus also noticed the more Sirius talked about his troubles, the more he drank, as yet another ale and whiskey shot were ordered.
"I'm sorry, Remus," Sirius went on, "I know you don't approve and probably don't want to hear about this." Sirius knocked back what was his third shot and Remus knew the man must be well on his way to drunk by now. It was amazing Sirius wasn't slurring his words.
"Maybe it wasn't meant to be," suggested Remus. He let the statement stand on its own and took a sip of his ale.
Sirius leaned across the table and parted his lips to say something, but then hesitated. Remus watched as Sirius looked down at the table for a moment and took a breath, then looked back up at Remus. "You know," he began, speaking slowly like he was weighing every word. "There was a time I had hoped-" Sirius paused and took another breath. "God, I don't think I'd say this if I weren't drunk, but there was a time I had hoped you might give me a go."
Remus held his breath, unsure what to say or if he should just let Sirius go on speaking. If there was ever a moment this was it and he didn't want to handle it wrong. He felt the uncertain crush of doubt in his heart, and just hoped his words were the right ones. "When was this, Sirius? I don't recall you ever seeming interested in me."
Sirius sat back and let out a sigh. "That's because it was right before that- what I did, with Snape. After that I knew I'd never have a chance," said Sirius, remorse heavy in his tone. Then he added more softly, "I think we would have been good together."
Remus closed his eyes as all the pieces fell in to place, the longing looks without any sort of pursuit, the moments he had felt he and Sirius were close to something which never materialized. It made sense now. What a mess this was. He had never thought he had a chance with Sirius because of James, and Sirius thought he had blown his opportunity with the prank on Snape. And now - now Sirius was in a relationship he was unlikely to let himself out of because of a misplaced sense of loyalty. Remus could weep for all the mistakes that had been made, all the faulty assumptions. He had long since forgiven Sirius, knew it was a moment of rash impetuosity Sirius deeply regretted.
"I think we would have been great together," said Remus, looking directly at Sirius. "I still think we would be great together."
"It's too late now, though, isn't it," said Sirius sadly. "I can't leave James and Lily. He's my best mate, Remus, he'd never forgive me. He loves me, you know? I think - I think he's in love with me, but I'm no longer sure I ever felt it. It's not the same, you know. It's a different kind of love."
"Are you happy, Sirius?" asked Remus. "Because if you're not-"
"It doesn't matter, Remus," said Sirius, cutting him off. "I have to make it work somehow."
"I love you," said Remus abruptly, throwing all his cards on the table. "I love you, and I have loved you for years and the prank doesn't matter to me, and your stupid loyalty doesn't matter to me, because we would be happy together and you're just - you're throwing it away. People break up, Sirius, and if James was ever your friend, he would understand."
"I love you, too," said Sirius. His voice was so soft Remus almost didn't catch it. "I wish things were different, but they're not. I'm sorry, Remus, you don't know how sorry I am." Then even softer, as though to himself, Sirius added, "I'm stuck now."
Remus couldn't listen to this anymore. Everything he had ever wanted was right here and all Sirius had to do was make the right choice and wouldn't because of James. Why did James always get everything he wanted when it came to Sirius? Remus finished off his ale in one angry gulp that almost choked him as it went down. He slammed the tankard back on the table and rose to leave.
"Apparently you're not sorry enough to make any changes in your bloody life," he said angrily. Remus took a deep breath, and then realized he had nothing to lose by laying it all out on the line. "You want to be miserable so James gets everything he wants from you just like always, then fine, but you aren't the only one who is unhappy."
"Remus, please don't-"
"Be quiet," said Remus sharply. Sirius sat back, shocked at the fury in Remus' tone. "I ran into Lily a month back in a pub in Rothbury. She looked miserable and she told me going on assignment was a relief because it got her out of the flat she shares with you and James. Whatever is happening between the three of you, two of you feel wretched. But go on, Sirius, tell yourself you're stuck and tell me you love me but you're so bloody sorry. It's obviously not working but, by all means, don't stop since it's what James bloody Potter wants from the both of you."
Sirius dropped his eyes to the table and Remus just wanted to throttle him.
"It's your life, Sirius," he said softly. "Quit living it for someone else."
The next three months passed much the same as the previous two. Remus moved on from Northumberland, but kept his searching close to the villages and farms near or in the forested regions. His luck finding werewolves hadn't changed - he needed to be in the area during the full, but of course that was impossible. His own monthly ordeal prevented that, and had never been more frustrating for him.
When he returned home to transform there were always more letters, though there were less and less of them each month. Peter wrote to ask how Remus fared and how his missions were going. Remus returned his letters honestly and with great length and detail, asking after Peter's life and if his family was well.
Lily wrote to invite him to dinner - almost begging in fact - and Remus had to wonder if she thought his presence would ease tensions between herself, James, and Sirius. Remus returned her letters with kind thanks for the invitation, but that between his mother and his order duties he couldn't possibly make it.
James wrote to invite him to the pub with himself, Sirius, and Peter. Remus wrote short return letters to James, though he could never manage a thank you for the invitation. He did feel a modicum of guilt, but never enough to change the wording in his missive.
Sirius' letters were the hardest of all. In every letter he told Remus he loved him; in every letter he said how sorry he was; in every letter he begged Remus to understand the position he was in. Remus stored them carefully in a drawer in his bureau but, because he couldn't think of anything to say, he never returned Sirius' letters.
There was one other person Remus received correspondence from and that was his former Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. The Order of the Phoenix held regular meetings to discuss the resistance effort and Dumbledore wrote to inform of where and when the meetings were held. Remus couldn't bear the thought of being trapped in the same room with James, Lily, and Sirius, so he wrote of his efforts, where he had gone, what he had observed, and that he was simply unable to attend.
After yet another month passed with no more success than before and the moon approached full, it was time again to return home. Remus tried not to think about how lonely he was without his friends, tried not to think how much easier his transformations would be with Wormtail, Prongs, and, most of all, Padfoot. Not only was the wolf easier to handle and his transformations more manageable, but afterwards Sirius had always taken such care with his fresh wounds, had looked after him with such dedication. He now knew there was more to it, that this had been love in action, that Sirius had shown his affection in the only way he thought he could.
His mother and father took care of him, of course, but it wasn't the same as when Sirius tended to him. Not only was Sirius more thorough and far gentler with him, but he never let Remus come close to running out of supplies. Remus waited until he was nearly out of tincture of dittany, gauze and wraps for bandages. At the last full he had run completely out of his potion for pain and had paid the price dearly.
Remus refused to chance another run in with Sirius on Diagon Alley, so instead he Apparated to Scotland, to Hogsmeade, where he could get the same supplies, though at a slightly higher cost. He walked up High Street at a brisk pace because it would be just his luck to run into James or Lily or, even worse, Sirius. He feared what he might say to James, that his words might render their friendship irreparable, and strange though it seemed to him, he did have a hope of rekindling what he once had with all his friends. Now more than ever he had reason to believe the relationship between Sirius, James, and Lily was ultimately unsustainable. Perhaps he was being too idealistic, but he could hope.
The street on which the apothecary was located was at the next turn and Remus increased his pace. He felt an urgency to get in and get out before he ran into someone he knew. Just as he gained the street and was about to turn the corner a familiar voice called out his name. Remus' heart sank, but at least it wasn't as bad as he had feared. He turned and plastered on a smile for Peter who was hurrying down the street, waving at Remus and smiling.
"Wormtail," said Remus warmly. It had been months since he had seen Peter, and just like all his other friends, Remus had missed Peter as well.
"Moony, old man!" said Peter, and embraced Remus in a quick, masculine hug. "It is terribly good to see you. I believe it's been six months since I laid eyes on you."
Remus smiled down at Peter, and was struck by how very much the same he seemed. Not just that his face hadn't matured much - it had only been six months after all - or that he wasn't still a bit pudgy but, unlike Sirius and Lily, Peter didn't have that hangdog, haggard look to him. There was no tension or worry in his face, he just seemed to be the same old Peter.
"You're looking well," said Remus. "Same as ever."
"Oh, well," said Peter with a slight grin, but then he sobered a bit. Remus thought Peter would remark on how troubled he looked, but instead Peter fixed the grin back into place. "Let's have a pint, shall we?"
Remus paused. He looked down the street he was meant to turn on and saw the sign for the apothecary and then turned to look towards The Three Broomsticks. A stop in the pub meant staying longer in a village where he might run into James, Lily, or Sirius. But the familiar and friendly face of Peter was a reminder of happier times in his life, tempting him with an escape from his months of loneliness.
"I've come for a few things," said Remus. "Allow me to make my purchases and I'll meet you at the pub."
"I'll get us a table, and the first round is on me," said Peter with a grin. Remus watched with an amused smile as Peter fairly skipped down High Street towards The Three Broomsticks.
"Get one near the back," called out Remus. It was an afterthought, but if Sirius, James or Lily were to pass by and look in they would be sure to stop. Peter raised his hand to wave an acknowledgement.
Fifteen minutes later, purchases in hand, Remus entered the pub and looked around for Peter. Just as requested, Peter had found a table to the back. Remus made his way through the crowded pub and sat across from Peter.
"Like old times, isn't it?" said Peter. "I mean it's not our table, but…"
Remus knew what he meant and gave Peter a small nod. The Marauders, as they liked to call themselves, had a table where they always sat. James and Sirius liked to say it would always be their table, that long after school was over they would still meet up and sit at that very table, flirt with Rosmerta, and get thoroughly stonked.
"Things change I suppose," said Remus, and took a sip of his ale to hide the sadness.
"I suppose they do, at that," said Peter. For the first time Remus noticed the same sadness reflected on Peter's face. "I miss those times. Everything was so much simpler."
"I do, too," replied Remus quietly. He needed to change the subject and, though he knew it was abrupt, at that moment couldn't care less. "Tell me how you've been, Wormtail."
"Not as busy as some," said Peter, shifting his eyes away. Remus detected a slight note of bitterness which he found puzzling. "I've never been quite as talented as James or Sirius or Lily or you. I don't get the interesting assignments."
"Interesting," said Remus with a snort. "Maybe the others do, but all I'm doing is-" he lowered his voice a bit, "all I'm doing is tracking down werewolves that can't be found. Complete waste of time if you ask me."
"So you haven't had any luck?" asked Peter. He took a sip of his ale and leaned forward a bit. "I mean Dumbledore believes they are out there."
"If they are, they're doing a damn fine job of hiding," replied Remus, not even bothering to hide his frustration.
"Lily was sent to Northumberland because apparently there was Death Eater activity in the area. Have you looked there? The word is that is the most likely county for them to be hiding in."
"I thought so as well," said Remus, wondering who Peter had been speaking to about werewolves. "That's where I started; spent two fruitless months scouring the forests and countryside. If they're there, they are the cleverest werewolves in England. I'm starting to believe there are no unregistered werewolves."
"Besides you, you mean," said Peter shrewdly. "If you could do it, surely others could."
"One would think," replied Remus. "But I've been giving it a lot of thought and a lot of research. Did you know there were orphanages for bitten children? My parents refused to let go of the hope for a cure, but many families simply give up."
"Orphanages, really," said Peter. "I never realized."
"Nor did I," said Remus. "My parents never told me of their existence until recently. I knew I was lucky to attend Hogwarts, but I never knew how fortunate I was to have parents that loved me as much as mine did."
"Where are these orphanages located?" asked Peter. "Have you visited them yet?"
"Not yet," said Remus. "There are three I am aware of and I only have a few vague hints as to their location. There is supposed to be one outside of Swindon, one outside of Bedford, and the last outside of Sheffield; I'll have to do some searching to find them. My father says they are well protected by spells and enchantments for the children's safety. The full is tomorrow night, but after I plan to try and find them all. If I can plot on a map where these children were bitten, detect some sort of pattern, maybe it will help me find the others. If I'm even allowed to speak to them."
"That's quite clever," said Peter. "Good luck; I hope you're successful."
Remus tipped his tankard to Peter in thanks and took a swallow. "I hope I am as well, because I am starting to get very frustrated."
Remus expected Peter to say something, but he fell quiet. He took another drink of his ale, his brow furrowed in what Remus recognized as Peter summoning his courage to speak his mind.
"Moony… I heard from Prongs and Padfoot you haven't been around because you don't approve of their… situation… but--" Peter paused. "Remus, they're your friends, we were all friends, and you've obviously been busy with Order work, but they need you."
"Peter-"
"Hear me out, M-Remus," said Peter. "Their relationship, it's tearing them apart. Maybe if you talked to them, you could help them sort out their differences. You were always the level headed one, maybe you can help them figure how to work it out."
Remus resisted the urge to spit out an angry 'No!' Instead he took a sip of his ale to gather his thoughts. "I think it's for them to sort out."
"How can you-" said Peter. He tightened his grip on his tankard. "Don't you care at all? We were friends, they did a lot for you at school."
"I care more than you could possibly know," said Remus. "But this is for them to resolve, and that is the last thing I'm going to say on the subject."
Peter shook his head. "You really have changed. You were the last person I would ever think would abandon their friends."
"It's been lovely catching up," said Remus, stung by the accusation. It brought guilt bubbling up unpleasantly, his stomach soured because he found truth in Peter's words. He rose from his seat, feeling the familiar loneliness settle in his bones as he prepared to leave, packages in hand. "Take care of yourself, Wormtail."
"It's James and Sirius, Padfoot and Prongs," said Peter, rising with him. He put his hand on Remus' arm. "Please, Remus."
"Goodbye, Peter." Remus pulled his arm away roughly and walked out of the pub on shaking legs.
Part 2